Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas (14w2d)

Merry Christmas everyone!

I missed posting my 14 week update, so I'll start with that.  This week I am officially in the 2nd trimester and have entered the 4th month.  Where is all the time going??

I see why they say the 2nd trimester is the best. All my energy has returned, I feel good and I'm starting to show, but not uncomfortably yet. This is definitely a fun and exciting time. Though I still have little worries here and there, I believe I'm past the joy-stealing anxiety of the 1st trimester that something was going to take this away from me.  Reality has kicked in for us that I really am pg.  It definitely helps that I'm now visually pg and can hear the HB anytime we'd like.

I bought my first maternity top the other day.  While all my tops still fit, most of them are not long enough to cover the fact that I can no longer zip/button any of my pants.  I've gotten some serious mileage out of my BellaBand and BellyBelt already!

Not looking so big from the front:



But take a quarter turn and holy cow!!!  Yeah, I'm growing fast and I just know I'm going to be huge!



Symptoms:

Sharp cervical pinches, the kind that make you jump and say ouch!  This one is freaking me out just a tad as I fear my cervix is giving out.

Very mild heartburn starting to kick in.

Occasional mild pain in my ovary area.  I believe this is the start of round ligament pain.  I really have no idea what round ligament pain feels like, but all my pg books say that this starts this week.

Up next:

11 days till my next u/s where hopefully we'll find out if we're having a little boy or girl!  We cannot wait to find out!!!  We're anxious to start thinking of a name, picking out nursery themes/colors and finally get to buy pink or blue.  You think we're having a boy or girl?  Stop by the "Guess the Gender" poll and cast your vote.

Christmas Eve:

Today we spent Christmas with my mom and step-dad.  We enjoyed dinner, a movie and opened a few gifts.  It was a great time.  The best part was all the gifts for little Seven!  Seven received 6 little outfits and a teether.  I can't stop looking at the outfits, they're so tiny and cute. I just smile and thank God that these little outfits are for my baby.  I keep having to pinch myself that these are not shower gifts for someone else.



A few family photos:

 



Looking preggo yet?  Not so much, still looking more like a beer gut.




My aunt sent my folks a pair of really warm and comfy wearable blankets.  The guys put them on and we about lost it as they looked like a couple of monks.  Check them out!






Christmas Day:

Today we spent Christmas with Kerry's family.  We enjoyed lunch, exchanging gifts and playing cards.




Kerry is so proud of my "beer gut".



Christmas Evening:

This evening Kerry and I exchanged our gifts, though nothing could top the gift we already received.

I was so excited to be handed a gift bag from "Pickles & Ice Cream Maternity".  My hubby got me maternity underwear!  He's been concerned that the elastic from my regular undies are getting a little too tight on my growing belly.  So over-protective already!  He also got me 2 maternity tops from Motherhood Maternity.  Needless to say, I'm quite giddy!



Kerry got a little something from Seven.  It says "I Love Daddy".



That's all for now.  Lots of love from Tall Dude and Short Chick!


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

13 Weeks

I'm 13 weeks today and depending on which book you read, I'm either entering or about to enter the 2nd trimester!  Little Seven is about the size of a peach now.  It's been a week of ups and downs and a few firsts.

12w3d
Started spotting pink
Experiencing sharp pinches in upper uterus
Friends are noticing a belly bump

12w4d
More pink spotting and sharp pinches

A lady at church that has followed our journey for quite some time saw my belly and made her way through the crowd. She put her hands on my belly, looked up at me teary eyed and said, I'm so happy for you.  I then ran to Kerry all giddy and said, honey, people are starting to rub my belly!!! 

Later I attended a baby shower (so happy for you Tarryn!!!). It was so nice to be able to enjoy the shower without having to force the tears back.  A few people noticed my growing belly and one gal couldn't stop rubbing it. 

Throughout my trial with infertility, that is the one thing that choked me up more than anything, and that was seeing these beautiful bellies surrounded by people wanting to rub the belly.  Now I'm finally getting to experience this.  I'm no longer a sad outsider looking in. I know a lot of pg women are freaked out by people rubbing their belly bumps, but I'm loving every minute of it. This pg is finally shifting from surreal to real.

12w5d
More pink spotting and sharp pinches

My local nurse called to tell me that my NT blood work came back normal, yeah!  This just basically means that my risk of having a baby with chromosomal abnormalities is very low.  This doesn't surprise me as we did transfer a genetically normal embryo, but there is a 10% error rate.

I told the nurse that I've been spotting for 3 days and was a little nervous about it since I hadn't had my hormone levels checked since I was completely weaned.  Spotting can be a sign of low progesterone.  All she said was "240".  I said, 240 what?  She said, be here at 2:40.  I said, for what?  She said, an u/s.  Wow, I wasn't expecting that. I was just looking for a little reassurance, but I wasn't going to turn down a chance at another u/s.

They always check my urine, blood pressure and weight at every appt.  The nurse that weighed me commented that I haven't gained any weight.  I said that was ok because I gained it all in the beginning when I went through my "hungry man" phase.  My appetite has thankfully returned to normal.

We had the u/s and little Seven was moving all over the place nonstop.  S/He has really grown in a short amount of time.  My cervix was closed and appeared normal. We didn't take any videos because we felt that this needed to be a quick check.  I did ask for a souvenir photo though. 

Here's Seven.  It's definitely not the best pic, but just happy to have one.



I then had my hormone levels checked just to make sure there are no issues there.  This is my first check since completely weaning off all meds a week ago.

Estrogen: (2074, up from 1555)

Progesterone: (23.64, down from 48.19)

My progesterone level concerned me, so I emailed my IVF nurse.  This is her reply:

"Your estrogen will continue to rise during pregnancy, however the progesterone levels are pulsatile (meaning is has daily highs and lows), as long as it remains above 20 there is no concern. The drop could have caused the spotting, but it could also have been caused by other factors (cervical irritation, low-lying placenta, over exertion). As long as you are not having bright red bleeding and/or cramping there is not a need to worry."

I feel much better now, but I did have to chuckle at the "over exertion".  Yeah, not so much an issue!

12w6d
Today we got to hear our baby's HB for the first time.  My friend loaned us her fetal doppler a week ago (thanks Mags!!!) but we haven't been able to find the HB until today. It takes awhile to find it and it's easy to lose as the baby moves around quite a bit.  The bpm ranged from 152-162. It was music to our ears and I could have listened to it all night.

13w
I seem to be past the exhaustion phase, sooooo happy about this.

My belly seems to be growing.  I'm in the "beer gut" phase. I figured I'd start showing early since I'm only 5'1, very short waisted and the fact that my mom showed very early.  My mom said she was as big as an elephant with me and I was only 5 lbs 11 oz. 





I warned Kerry that I may get huge.  He said he didn't care if I got as big as a house as long as I incubate his baby. We'll see what he thinks if I get as wide as I am tall, lol.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

12 Weeks

I cannot even believe I'm 12 weeks along already!  I received a couple comments that I've been slacking with the belly pics, so here you go:



My mom called me today to tell me that my aunt saw a wee-wee on the first u/s pic in my previous post. I was insistent that it was impossible to see a wee-wee this early and that it was either part of the umbilical cord or leg.




This of course got my curiosity up and I started researching early gender detection.  I ran into this link.

If you look at the "9 week old embryo - 11 weeks Pregnant", you can see that both genders have a "nub".  The boy's will become a penis and the girl's a clitoris.

If you then look at the 12 week "Angle of the dangle", you can see that a boy has a 30~ degree from the spine while the girl's is parallel to the spine.

This link contains early boy nub u/s photos that were later confirmed as boy.  Many of these look a lot like Seven.

This link contains early girl nub u/s photos that were later confirmed as girl.  These really don't look like Seven.

So after viewing all this, I'd have to say that it sure does look like Seven has a nub.  I held up a piece of paper to the spine and then another to the nub and it was a near perfect 30 degree angle.

I then posted this u/s pic on the website listed in the link above and asked for opinions.  Everyone predicted boy, not a single one said girl.

OMG, could we really be having a BOY???

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

11w6d

Today was my NT Scan. This u/s measures the fluid in the nuchal fold on the back of the neck. If it's too thick, it can mean you're at risk for things like Downs Syndrome or Trisomy 18. Another marker for abnormalities is not seeing the nasal bone. I'm happy to report that all is perfect!

Waiting with my mother-in-law and grand-mother-in-law. Wow, I didn't realize my belly was poking out so much already!


Being scanned:


Here's a few u/s photos. Seven has transformed from cute gummy bear to ummm, a little scary looking. The skull, legs and arms are now showing that bone has formed.





Seven was a little uncooperative today. S/He insisted on facing us and the tech needed a profile view in order to measure the back of the neck. She kept jiggling my belly with the transducer trying to get Seven to turn over. She had me coughing, laying on my left side, then my right side. I lost count how many times I had to lift my hips and shake my booty. Kerry started singing "put your butt up in the air, and shake like you just don't care...". He's so funny. We finally got Seven to roll over and she must have measured that fold about 20 times. I could see the measurements on the monitor and saw that all were less than 2. I'm thankful that I looked up the normal value before hand or I would have started to think something was wrong.

The scan lasted about 30 mins but the DVD I received only contained just over 2 mins of video (below). The sonographer was contantly moving around trying to get a profile view, so we got nothing more than short little clips of Seven moving. I really just wanted her to hold still for a little bit so we could watch Seven in action. Around 1min 14sec, I think Seven was fed up and flipped her the bird. Some cute things the video didn't capture was Seven waiving and sucking it's thumb.

video

Here's our stats from the u/s:

CRL: 56.2 mm, measuring 12w1d (2 days ahead, yeah!)

HB: 171 bpm (previously 117 and 173, check out all those 7's!)

Nuchal Fold: 1.3 mm (they want this below 3, so all perfect!)

Nasal Bone: present

Amniotic Fluid: normal

Placenta: posterior (the placenta is behind the baby which means I'll really be able to feel baby's movement)

Cervical Length: 3.5 cm (up from 3, yeah!!! I just need it to go to 4 cm)

My ob/gyn said all is progressing normally! My next step was a 20 week u/s which is 8 weeks away. But since we are going to watch my cervix as a precaution, I'm to come back in 4 weeks for a 16 week u/s. And maybe, just maybe, we'll get a peek between the legs.

Today's hormone levels:

Estrogen: 1555 (up from 1498)

Progesterone: 48.19 (up from 23.35)

So my placenta is definitely taking over hormone production. After $1052.13 in estrogen and progesterone support and 18 blood draws, as of tonight, I'm completed weaned! YIPPEE!!! I graduated from CCRM. Now I can finally live like a normal pg woman.

Symptoms:

Exhaustion let up significantly for 3 days and then hit me hard again yesterday and today. So it seems that it's going to improve very soon.

Irritability. This is caused by the rise in progesterone. My poor husband is all I can say!

Prominent blue veins on my boobs. This is due to the increase in blood volume.

Constipation. The prunes aren't working, they just give me thunder. This is heard nightly from Kerry; "OMG, you stink, wave the covers, get it out of here!". I just proudly smile at him and tell him it's pay back time!

Friday, December 4, 2009

11w2d

Another hormone level check today....

Estrogen: 1498 (up from 1108 after reducing to 1 patch)
Progesterone: 23.35 (up from 14.31 after reducing 1 supp.)

Finally, my placenta is starting to take over!!! Wahoo, yippee!!! This is such a huge relief. It was really stressing me out weaning off all my meds with my progesterone being way below where it should be. An ideal level would be 30+ and now I believe I'm on my way.

CCRM called and said congratulations and that I could stop all meds. I'm going off the patches as I'm very comfortable with my estrogen level. I asked if I could finish my last 7 progesterone supps at 1/day just to be on the safe side. They said I could be on them for 4 more days and then at 12 weeks they want me off everything. So I'm going to do 4 more days, get my level checked and if all looks good, I'll be completely weaned!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

10w6d

Today I had another low-tech u/s to help relieve my anxiety. This time my ob/gyn did trans-abdominal instead of trans-vaginal.

As the transducer was placed on my stomach, I immediately saw little Seven, but there was no movement and I couldn't see a heartbeat. I held my breath and quietly watched as the OB moved the transducer around. Still no heart beat. In a panicked voice I said, where's the heart beat??? The OB zoomed in, pointed, and said, right there. OMG, that was the worst 10 seconds of my life! I am feeling overwhelmingly blessed to have seen that little flicker.

What I didn't realize was that trans-ab isn't nearly as detailed, especially on this little portable machine, as trans-vag. The heart beat is so prominent with trans-vag, but with trans-ab, it was almost unnoticable. I now have a whole new respect for the trauma that must accompany a woman experiencing a m/c after seeing the HB. I'm still feeling the effects of those 10 seconds, it really rattled me.

Here's a photo of Seven with head down. The body has definitely lengthened as the head is no longer twice the size of the body.

Within a few minutes, little Seven started really wiggling. It was so cool and a much needed sight! We tried several times to catch it on video, but every time we turned the camera on, he/she would freeze. Below is our attempts at catching some action.

video
video
video

Then on our last attempt, we finally we caught the little gummy bear in action:

video

OB didn't measure the CRL or the HB, so I unfortunately don't have those details. She wants me to come back in 1 week for the NT scan. This will be a very detailed u/s on the high-tech machine. Wahoo!!! It will assess the baby's risk of abnormalities. We were told to bring a DVD as they will record a copy of the u/s for us and to invite up to 3 family members. I've invited my mother-in-law and grand-mother-in-law. I can't wait!

My OB Panel results came in. I asked what all this tests for and they said all STDs, antibodies, proteins, Rh factor, CBC, things like that. All came back normal.

I also had a hormone level check today.

Estrogen: 1108 (down from 1175 after reducing to 2 patches)
Progesterone: 14.31 (down a hair from 14.77 without reducing any meds)

I don't know why my progesterone isn't climbing, worries me that the placenta isn't kicking in. CCRM wants to me drop down to 1 patch tonight and down to 1 Endometrin suppository tomorrow and then recheck my levels Fri. I'm almost weaned!!!

That's all for now. Nighty night!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Thanksgiving

A happy belated Thanksgiving to all! I meant to post this yesterday on Thanksgiving, but I over-stuffed myself and ended up in a food coma for the rest of the night.

Supposedly digestion slows way down when you're pg so that the baby has more time to absorb all the nutrients it needs. This made for a very long miserably stuffed feeling. You know the ill feeling after eating an all you can eat buffet? Well let me tell you, it's 10 times worse when you're pg. No more big meals for me for the rest of this pg! Family, please remind me of this at Christmas! =)

Well, I'm sure you can imagine what we are so incredibly thankful for this year. We finally beat infertility, we are finally pg! But what kept interrupting my thoughts was all my friends out there that are still in the trenches, still fighting the fight. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. Keep fighting and know that I'll be right beside you rooting you on.

All Our Love,

Tall Dude & Short Chick

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

10 Weeks

10 weeks already, can you believe it!? Here's another boring update.

Results of today's hormone check:

Estrogen: 1175 (up from 892)
Progesterone: 14.77 (up from 12.42)

CCRM wants me to reduce to 2 patches on Fri. They also wanted me to drop to 1 Endometrin but I chickened out. It scares me to death to go off of the progesterone as it's maintaining my lining until the placenta takes over. CCRM said they really need to get me completely weaned by 12 weeks or the baby can start absorbing these extra hormones, but that it would be ok stay on 2 Endometrins a little longer and reduce at the next check. I'm to recheck next Tue.

Symptoms:

* The prednisone-like after taste is gone after 5 days, so I will get to enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner. Yippee!

* I haven't had any spotting in 8 days. Yeah!!!

* Still exhausted as ever. Yawn!

* I haven't been feeling up to par the last few days. I think it's due to my hormones going up and down during this weaning process.

* I had uterine achiness all night last night that kept me awake. I think Seven's home is going through a little remodeling.

That's all for now. See, boring!

Monday, November 23, 2009

9w5d

Today's hormone levels after weaning off Estrace and 1 Endometrin:

Estrogen: 892 (down from 1442)
Progesterone: 12.42 (down from 17.14)

Removing the Estrace was a huge drop in the amount of supplemental estrogen I was getting. So I'm relieved to see my estrogen still at a decent level.

My progesterone dropped as well, but it's still at a good level and a tad higher than many of my previous levels.

CCRM wants me to stay on my current doses. They want to give my placenta time to re-adjust. I'm to go back Wed for ANOTHER blood draw... my poor veins.

Symptoms:

This week I have a new unpleasant symptom. I guess it's labeled metallic after taste, but I think mine is a little different. If you've ever had to take Prednisone, it leaves a horrible medicine after taste. I'm not on Prednisone, but for some reason all my food/drink, even water, leaves a Prednisone-like after taste. I've had it for the last 4 days. Finally, for the first time ever, I feel free to eat as much as I want without the guilt, ya know, because I have 2 stomachs these days! LOL I'm really hoping it goes away in time to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving dinner.

Other than that, just still incredibly exhausted and having occasional uterine achiness. All good signs!

Friday, November 20, 2009

9w2d

I had another hormone level check today.

Estrogen: 1442 (nice rise from 903)
Progesterone: 17.14 (highest level to date)

CCRM is weaning me again, yeah!!! They are completely taking me off the Estrace. They are also decreasing my Endometrin from 3x/day to 2x/day. So that means I'm now down to 2 vaginal suppositories a day instead of 4. I cannot tell you how happy I am about that! I'm to remain on 3 estrogen patches every other day. I go for another level check Monday.

I also had an OB panel done today which required 6 vials of blood. Anyone have any idea what this tests for?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

9 Weeks

I heart Wednesdays! Every Wednesday, I turn over a new week and clear one more hurdle. My inbox fills up with all the pg week by week emails I subscribed to. Hubby and I read them together to see what's up with both the baby and my body. It's amazing all the changes that take place each week.

This week I've entered the 3rd month and my embryo is now officially a fetus. Little Seven is the size of a green olive. My uterus has doubled in size and my belly may start to show. It's definitely fuller, though I'm not so sure it's uterus. Probably more likely the extra food I've inhaled. We thought now would be a good time to take a baseline belly shot since it appears there's going to be some growing in the weeks ahead. So here we go. (lovely black residue courtesy of estrogen patches)


Hcg is also at it's peak this week and it warns that m/s could be at it's worst. I guess I have officially escaped m/s, not a single hint of it. The exhaustion has reappeared though and it's a good thing I don't have both. I think I would just have to sleep with my head in the toilet.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

8w6d

Today was our anxiety reliever u/s that my ob/gyn ordered for me. It came just in time as the anxiety was starting to kick in. All of my symptoms have disappeared over the last 2 days. While symptoms come and go and it's completely normal, the symptoms were my binky.

First stop was the dreaded scale. I gained 3 lbs in 1 week, holy oink! Did I not say I could eat like a man? Now that my extreme hunger has seemed to fade away, at least for now, hopefully my weight gain will slow down.

The u/s was definitely not as high tech or as high quality as I had been getting, but it was still great. Here's our little bean with big head on the right and stomach to the left. The placenta is on the left side.


CRL:
1st measurement: 17.2mm 8w1d (5 days behind)
2nd measurement: 18.5mm 8w3d (3 days behind)

I'm trying to not let the measurements freak me out as this was done on a portable machine and the ob/gyn said all was perfect.

The yolk sac is getting smaller and the placenta more profound which happens as the baby's nourishment transfers from the yolk sac to the placenta. Hopefully this means the placenta will take over hormone production soon. The placenta is at the top of my uterus and away from my cervix, yeah!

I asked if the hemmorhage was still there and she took about 2 seconds to look and said she didn't see one. I'm still having very light spotting off and on but nothing to worry about.

She measured the HB using her watch and said it's about 150 bpm and that was great. I'm not worried about the difference from last week since it was measured by the u/s machine then.

As we were admiring the HB, little Seven did the jig! That was the highlight of our week, our little baby moved! I wasn't expecting that at all.

Here's a short video clip of the u/s. The ob/gyn points out the head and limbs. After Kerry zooms in, you can clearly see the heart beating away. At the very end, you can see Seven start to wiggle and then the video cuts off.

video

I get another anxiety reliever u/s in 2 weeks and then she said if I wanted to do the NT scan at 12w, I could. I said heck yeah, it means another u/s! She also said if the anxiety gets too bad before my next u/s, to just call her and she'll see if she can get me in. Wow, can't get much cooler than that!

After our appt, we went up to the 6th floor to visit a friend in the hospital. After our visit, we ran into the nursery. I got so excited, we were on the L&D floor! A nurse saw my excitement and asked if we wanted a tour and we jumped at it. It was so surreal to see where I would deliver! The thought of labor scares most pg women, it makes me giddy. We'll see how giddy I am in the end, lol!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

8w3d

Yesterday's hormone levels after dropping from 4 estrogen patches to 3:

Estrogen: 903 (>300)
Progesterone: 11.07 (>6)

No more weaning for me, both numbers dropped.  Boo!  I'm so ready to shut down my bedroom pharmacy.  I'm to remain on my current doses and go for another check next Fri.

For those of you that did this protocol, when did you start weaning and when were you completely weaned?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

7w6d

It's been 12 days since my 1st u/s.  8 of those days, I've endured anxiety-inducing spotting in an assortment of brown, pink and red.  While I know it's very common in early pg, especially IVF pg, it's also the prominent sign of m/c.

Ya know, before I became an infertility survivor, I used to get so frustrated with those that finally became pg and then spent so much time wasting away their pg worrying.  I was like, OMG, you finally got what I want so bad, why are you not enjoying it to the fullest???  My philosophy was no matter how you spend this pg, happy or in fear, it's not going to change the outcome, so why not enjoy it to the fullest?  Well I can honestly say now, it's easier said than done.  While I am thrilled beyond words, there are times where I'm plagued with the fear of knowing I'm not guaranteed a live baby at the end of this.  It just unfortunately comes with the territory of working soooo hard to achieve something that is so fragile and can end at any moment.

With each passing milestone, I'm chipping away at that nagging fear and becoming more and more excited.  It's finally starting to become real.  I still find myself in situations where Kerry will tell someone I'm pg and I'm literally like, OMG, I am, I am pg!

Today was my 2nd u/s @ 7w6d.  I'm so relieved to announce that it was a perfect u/s!  Here are the stats:

CRL:  14.9mm, measuring perfectly on track at 7w6d (up from 3mm, measuring 2 days behind)
HB:  173 BPM (up from 117 BPM, notice the 7's?)
Yolk Sac:  Present
Amniotic Fluid:  Normal
Placenta:  Diffuse (CCRM said this just means it's still hard to see and spread out)
Hemmorhage:  16x12x9mm (up from 5mm, CCRM says it's still small)
Cervix:  3cm (down a hair from 3.1cm)

Here's little Seven who increased in size by 5x and has sprouted little arm and leg buds!  It looks like our little blob is cursed with my big forehead!



I asked when we would get to hear the HB and she said not until after the 1st trimester.  Apparantly they have seen some studies that suggest that using the doppler this early can be dangerous to the fetus as the frequencies are very high.  Ok, I'll wait!

I went ahead and had my hormone levels checked today, a day early, since I was already there.

Estrogen: 1262 (>300)
Progesterone: 14.85 (>6, finally increasing!)

CCRM wants to start weaning me.  I'm to go from 4 to 3 patches tomorrow.  I'll stay on the same dose of Endometrin and Estrace.  I'm to check my levels this Fri.  They like to check levels 2 days after a decrease, which is great in case it was too early to decrease.  If I'm still doing good, they may decrease again. I'll be soooo glad when I'm done with all these meds!

My prenatal appt ended up being a short Q&A session with my ob/gyn.  They are going to hold off on all the blood work until they receive my communicables from CCRM as they don't want to unneccessarily repeat tests. 

I addressed my concern of all the spotting I've been having and she told me this is nothing to worry about, it's very common and only a worry if it turns to red flow with cramps. So I'm done worrying about the spotting! 

I addressed my concern about my leeped cervix and said I wanted to take a better safe than sorry approach with it.  She was very on board and said she would keep a close eye on it with u/s and also do fetal nectin tests which tests for preterm labor.

I asked about the H1N1 vaccine and while she recommended it, she has none and has had a very hard time getting any in stock.  She mentioned that she has already had 3 pg patients who ended up on ventilators due to H1N1.  Scary!

I asked how many people I can have in the room during delivery.  I expected 2-3, but suprisingly found out that it's as many as can fit as long as everyone stays out of the doctors way.  She said she just did a delivery where the woman had her entire church choir (20 people) in the room during delivery and they sang to her.  Wow!  So I'm very excited as I'd love nothing more than to invite my 3 moms to witness the birth of their grandchild.

At the end, she congratulated us, said she was so happy for us and knew that we must be filled with anxiety in between u/s.  She then said, how about another u/s in 1 week, would that be too long?  Ha, 1 week, are you kidding me?  I would have been good with 2 weeks, but I'll take it!  It won't be the full blown nice u/s like I've had, but instead a quick peak to make sure there's a HB on a lower quality machine.  How cool is that!

So that ends the details of my appt today.

Symptoms this week:

Frequent Urination (thanks to those that admitted to not flushing every time, we have resorted to this as well as I can't imagine our sewer bill with peeing every 10 mins.  We've gone back to the old college saying "yellow is mellow, brown goes down")

Extreme Exhaustion (thinking of auditioning for a role as a zombie for some extra cash)

Hungry all the time!!!  I can eat like a man!

Boobs... I never mention this one because my boobs became fuller, darker and ummm, more happy as soon as I started progesterone and before transfer.  So I don't really consider it a pg symptom, more a progesterone symptom.  They have never been sore.  Well... they are getting bigger!  I keep catching my nipple on the door frame when I take a sharp right out of the bathroom.  Ouch!

Pg Brain!  I managed to drop an entire pizza and a full glass of water on the floor at the same time!  Talented!  Kerry is having sympathy pg brain as he knocked his glass of water over, not once, twice!  Today I locked my keys in the car.

I've still managed to completely escape m/s!  I think some of Lucky Seven's luckiness has seeped into my system.

The other day I was craving pizza sooooo bad!  Kerry decided to let me splurge on pizza once a month.  We went to pick it up and on the way back, I found myself equally famished and having to desperately pee.  As soon as I got home, I couldn't decide which was more important, so I killed two birds with one stone.  Kerry just happened to be carrying in the camera from his car and well, I got caught!


 

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

7 Weeks

Seven turns 7 weeks old today!!!  May we have 33 more weeks together as one!

Today's estrogen/progesterone levels:

Estrogen:  1070 (>300)
Progesterone:  10.89 (>6)

CCRM asked me if I was ok to continue my meds for another week before they start weaning me. Well of course I am!  Weaning off the meds scares the crap out of me. So I go for another level check in 1 wk and then they may start weaning me.  Also, they called me in a prescription for Folgard.  They want me on the prescription strength folic acid even though my homocystine came back normal.  Ok with me, better safe than sorry.

Symptoms (week 4-6):

Frequent Urination (scared to see the next sewer bill!)
Exhaustion
Insomnia
Spotting (week 6)
Uterine Achiness/Pulling Sensation
Very Thirsty
Large Appetite (Kerry laughs at me on all the food commercials as I drool and say "mmmmm")

I've been very blessed with no m/s so far.  I'd be very happy to skip this one.

Today I bought my first maternity item.  It's a BellaBand which allows you to keep wearing your regular pants unbuttoned.  I figured I'd be needing this soon if my appetite keeps going at this pace.

6 days till the next u/s!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

1st U/S & Peri Appt - The Details

Some of you asked what made me decide to ask for the MTHFR test. After being in the world of infertility for quite some time, I've pretty much seen a lot of devastation. I've read way too many stories of women having recurrent m/c and then finding out they had MTHFR.  Once they were put on prescription strength folic acid and maybe blood thinners, they went on to have a successful pg. Such an easy fix to avoid the devastation of a m/c.  Now of course I'm fully aware that their m/c could have been completely unrelated to MTHFR and also that someone with MTHFR can have a completely normal pg without treatment.

I'm one who likes to be proactive and leave no stone unturned, which I believe is one of the reasons that I am finally where I am today. I've asked for the MTHFR test a few times in the past, but had always been told, oh you don't need that, we only test for that in someone who has had recurrent m/c.  Well as many of you know, lucky Seven was my last embyro. I couldn't afford to m/c first.  So I insisted on being tested.

I never imagined that it would actually come back positive. My ob/gyn immediately referred me to a perinatologist for a consult as she knows how important this pg is to me. The peri wanted me to have an u/s prior to the consult, I guess to make sure that I was pg before getting into any kind of treatment.

Kerry and I arrived for our surprise 1st u/s at 6w1d. We were both pretty anxious and trying to believe for the best. I peed and then headed into u/s. I first had the transabdominal u/s and immediately I exclaimed, there's a sac!  She then told me to go empty my bladder while she went and got the peri.  I had just gone! If I haven't mentioned it before, I have major frequent urination going on.

The peri and sonographer returned. The peri introduced himself and said "I've seen your ovaries several times". I said "well it's always nice to finally put a face with the ovaries". He's super nice and we both really liked him.

We got started on the intravaginal u/s. She first measured my cervix at 3.1cm, we're hoping this will lengthen some. They reassured me it would as pg progresses. She then removed the wand and said, go pee, your bladder is full again. 3rd pee in 15 mins! We were all cracking up.

Next we got to the exciting part, seeing our little bean. It measured 3mm. I addressed my concern that I thought it should be 4mm by now, they both laughed and said that's only 1mm difference. Thanks to those that pointed out that the gestational age varies during this time and 2 or 3 days off is totally normal. They use the CRL (crown to rump length) to determine GA (gestational age). 3mm put us at 5w6d, so just 2 days off, but totally within range.

Next they had me hold my breath while they looked for a heartbeat.  There it was, a blinking light on this tiny little 3mm baby! We couldn't hear anything, but the sight of it was beautiful. It measured 117 bpm, I love how Seven keeps running into the number 7.

They continued to look around and I about freaked. To the lower left of the sac was a 2nd smaller sac!  I was like, please tell me it didn't split! He said no, that's a hemmorhage.  It's actually a SCH (subchorionic hemmorhage) where the placenta separates a little from the wall of the uterus. He said it's small (5mm) and should not pose a problem and should go away on it's own. This is one of the main reasons for early pg bleeding. I told him other than around beta, I haven't had any bleeding. He said I probably wouldn't then.

If you look at my u/s in the previous post, you can see this white mass to the lower left of the baby. In a different plane of view, this area contains the 2nd sac, the SCH. It's pushing into the fetal sac causing it to look funny shaped.

After the u/s, we had our consult.  I addressed my concern that due to the MTHFR, I was terrified that my baby hadn't been getting any folic acid and how that causes things like neuro tube defects and spina bifida. The peri explained MTHFR to us as an illustration. He said that each gene is like a two lane highway. With being heterozygous, one lane is blocked and the other is open, so a car can just drive around the roadblock and keep on going. The condition would be much more serious if it was homozygous where both lanes were blocked.  He said because I had no family history of blood clotting issues or strokes, he didn't think this would cause me any problems except maybe a slight increased risk of preeclampsia. I asked that since my normal BP is very low at 100/60, would that be in my favor to not get preeclampsia and he said no, my current BP doesn't change my risk either way. He really felt that there was nothing that needed to be done differently as I was already on baby aspirin and extra folic acid.

He said that we would know how much the MTHFR was affecting me when the Homocystine level came in. If it was elevated, we would need to make sure I was put on Folgard and if it wasn't elevated, I could just continue on as if I didn't even have the MTHFR.

Well my Homocystine came back normal!  The normal ref range is 3.7 to 13.9 and mine came back 7.7.  Notice the sevens?  I think that was Seven's way of saying "chill out mom, I'm ok in here".

I asked if there was anything else I needed to be tested for. He said no, that even if something came back positive, he wouldn't change anything I'm doing, so why stress me out.

I then discussed my concerns of being at risk of incompetent cervix due a short cervix due to having a leep in 2004. He really didn't feel like 1 leep would cause me any problems. I asked if we could keep an eye on it anyway and he said absolutely.

I asked when my next u/s would be and he said 18 weeks. I about fell off the table and exclaimed, are you serious???  I let him know that I will go nuts if I have to wait that long.

After I got dressed, the peri suprisingly came back to my room to discuss the hemmorhage.  He said after looking at my chart, he noticed my last few estrogen levels went from 1163 to 3022 to 798.  After seeing that, he wondered if that 2nd sac was in fact a 2nd fetal sac, as in the embryo split but 1 didn't make it. He then said he still really thinks it's just a hemmorhage. I start asking a million questions and then he smiles and winks at me and says "I'm just finding an excuse to get you another u/s in 2 weeks".  How cool is that!

So my 2nd u/s is scheduled for Nov 10th at 7w6d. Afterwards I have my first prenatal appt.

I've been on bedrest for the last 2 days due to spotting.  It's either from the u/s or the hemmorhage.  As long as I stay off my feet, it goes away. If I'm up and about too much, it picks up.  Today it seems to have stopped, so bedrest works!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

1st U/S - 6w1d

This is going to be a quick drive by post as I am exhausted beyond belief.  All is good!  Little Seven is doing well, measuring a little behind with a 3mm crown rump length and a gestation age of 5w6d, but has a beautiful HB of 117 bpm. 

Scanning the u/s photo wasn't working too well, so here's a picture of the picture.



I have lots of details and will post them when I'm a little more coherent.  See what happens when dog tired Jill tries to make a smoothie?



Nighty night.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

6 Weeks

I went in for my standard estrogen/progesterone check today.  When I returned home, there was a voicemail from my local nurse.  I returned her call and it turns out my MTHFR results from last week had come in. I requested this test (after being told a few times in the past that it really wasn't needed) just as a precaution.

If you have the MTHFR gene mutation, it can cause pregnancy complications, birth defects and miscarriage as your body can't efficiently metabolize folic acid and it can cause blood clots in the placenta. It can be resolved by taking prescription strength folic acid and either baby aspirin or blood thinners. Unfortunately, most women don't know they have it until it's too late. In my situation of being completely out of embryos and this being my last shot, I could not afford this risk.

Well lo and behold, I tested positive for the gene mutation. I can't believe it. I have compound hetero MTHFR.  They test two genes for this.  Each gene consists of 1 copy from the dad and 1 copy from the mom.  Both of my genes have 1 good copy and 1 mutated copy.  This means that either my mom or dad also has MTHFR and needs to be tested for it.  This not only affects pg, it also increases your risk of stroke, heart attack, things like that.  Most with this mutation should really be on some type of blood thinner and prescription strength folic acid their entire life.
 
Once you test positive for this, they run a 2nd test called a fasting homocystine.  If the homocystine is high, this means that the mutation is negatively affecting you.  If it's low, you might be ok but need to keep a watch on it. My homocystine level won't be back until Fri or next week.
 
I'm a complete wreck.  I don't even know if my little miracle is ok.  My local nurse just called back and they are taking this very seriously considering all I've been through to get to this point.  She completely caught me off guard by asking me to come in for an u/s tomorrow morning.  OMG, I'm having an u/s tomorrow!!!  I'll be 6w1d.  I'm right at the point of maybe seeing a HB, maybe not.  I really didn't want an early u/s because I know it will freak me out if there's no HB, but I guess that's what I'm getting.  Oh God, please let little Seven being safe and sound!!!
 
After my u/s, assuming I'm still pg, I'll be transferred to a high risk doctor for a consultation to go over the results and decide on a plan of action.  He will decipher if I need a prescription strength folic acid (Folgard) and if baby aspirin is enough, or if I need a prescription strength blood thinner.  At least CCRM has had me on baby aspirin this entire time, I'm just worried about the folic acid. Whatever it is, I'll do it, I just can't lose this pg!
 
Today's estrogen was 798, which is a very nice level on it's own, but very concerning that it dropped from 3022.  Of course my mind jumps straight to, OMG, did my body stop producing it's own estrogen because I'm no longer pg?  My progesterone is a good 10.78.  I'm still waiting to hear back from CCRM to hear their take on all this.
 
Please say a little prayer for us, or send us positive thoughts!

Update:

CCRM called and they are having me up my folic acid to 4mg until we get my homocystine level back. They encouraged me and said they really believe all is going to be ok.  They also said my yo-yo-ing estrogen level is ok and it's going to vary.  I feel somewhat better now.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

5w1d

Yesterday I had my blood drawn to check my estrogen and progesterone levels. Here's my results:

Progesterone: 9.73 (Lowest ever, but still above 6)
Estrogen: 3022 (Huge jump up from 1163, definitely above 300)

I was pretty concerned about my estrogen tripling but my nurse said all is perfect and that it shows my body is kicking out some estrogen production itself in response to being pg.  I'm to remain on all my same meds and go for another level check in a week.  She said it would not be good to drop any meds before seeing a HB.  After we see a HB, I can then either drop the patches or estrace suppositories, it's my choice. I hate it when they do that, I would rather them tell me which would be better. See, the patches are a total of 0.4mg of estrogen and the estrace is 2mg, so they're not equal.

It's clear that my body is not kicking out its own progesterone yet, hopefully soon. Now that I'm pg, my insurance is supposed to be covering my progesterone support. They have denied paying for it even after an appeal from my nurse stating that I need this in order to substain this pg. My insurance covers progesterone support, but not Endometrin specifically because it's indication states that it's for infertility treatments. I could switch to a covered progesterone, but my nurse feels that is risky.  So now I'm stuck supporting a $140/week progesterone bill. Oh fun!

I also had my blood drawn to check for MTHFR. I'll go over this more after my results are in.

I started this post yesterday and was not able to finish it.  I had stated that I still had no symtpoms.  Well scratch that, I now have 2. 

The first is exhaustion. Yesterday, as I was typing this up, I HAD to stop and go take a nap!  I think I slipped into a drooling coma and afterwards was still exhausted.  I felt like someone drugged me.  I guess that's my first obvious symptom. 

The next is pg brain.  At dinner last night, I excused myself to go to the restroom.  I walked in, headed straight to a stall and had to take a double look, why was there a man in the ladies room?  Then I wondered, why did they put a urinal in here?  A moment later, the overly crowded restaurant witnessed me running out of there while yelling Oh Crap!  So I got to the ladies room, peed, flushed and hear a loud crash.  Looked around and didn't see anything. Right as I was about to leave the stall, I noticed my cell phone sitting deep in the bottom of the toilet still fully lit up. Ugh, that was not pleasant having to stick my arm in there to retrieve it. Surprisingly after a night of drying out, it still works!

I've had a few other little minor symptoms here and there, but they have been very sporatic and so mild that if I wasn't paying attention with a magnifying glass, I really would not have noticed them. Most days though, there's been nothing. 

My adopted-step-daughter and I went baby browsing at Target. We didn't miss a single aisle. Half way through, it hit me, OMG, I'm really pg, I can actually buy something for my baby. I'm so used to that only being a dream and only being there to buy a baby shower gift. Amazingly I made it out of there without buying anything.

I'm counting down the days till our first u/s (11 days to be precise). I need to see it for my own eyes that there's really something in there.  Praying, praying, praying to see a beautiful HB.

Friday, October 16, 2009

FET#1.5 - Beta 2

2nd beta is in!

Beta 1: 193
Beta 2: 459

They want the number to double and I had an increase of 138%! According to this chart below, my levels are above high. I think I got a keeper in there!



Finally, after charting for 46 cycles, I get to see a green line!  The line turns green once you enter a positive pg test.



And finally, I get to see 2 lines on a hpt for the first time ever! The first picture contains the following all taken on 9dp5dt, beta day:

1st test:  this is an internet cheapie, the same brand that haunted me at 4 and 5dp5dt with a BFN.  The test has a sensivity of 20. It took awhile for the line to appear and while there is a definite line, I find it to be quite light considering my hcg was 193.

2nd test:  This is a conceivex test that expired in 4/2008. Pretty much the same results.

3rd test:  This is a ClearBlue Easy digital test, or what's left of it. I bought a 2-pack during my IVF#3 2ww. I peed on one the night before beta back then and it screamed "not pregnant" at me. I swore I would not pee on the 2nd test until I knew I was pregnant. So I'm all excited that I finally get to pee on it. We wait 3 mins while it's displaying an hourglass and then it goes blank. The box says that means the test is faulty and to call them. What a bummer! So we tore the dang thing apart and holy cow, it's got a circuit board inside! No wonder why it's $15 for 2 tests. Inside we found a strip with 2 blue lines.



The next photo contains 2 more internet cheapies taken at 10 and 11dp5dt. My hcg is 459 and it's still much lighter than the control. Goes to show you that a line really is a line, it doesn't matter how light or faint it is.



When I received my first beta, I didn't send it to CCRM. I instead emailed my IVF nurse and asked her to call me, said that I had a quick question. After several hours, she finally called me and said, I've been waiting all day for your beta results and haven't received them yet.  I said, well I'm turning it around on you today and I'm going to give YOU the news, I'm pregnant!!!!  She jokingly called me a brat and said no one has ever done that to her before. That was fun.

Announcing our news to our family and friends was amazing. All of the reactions were priceless; screaming, crying and pure excitement for us. I've found that the longer the journey, the greater the reward. My reward has already been more than I could have imagined. For those still in the trenches, just know that your reward is increasing in size. My hope and prayer is that everyone of you receives your reward very soon and that it's so large you're unable to contain it.

Some of you may be wondering what Kerry's reaction was. Well he missed the awesome call from the nurse announcing the news by 2 mins. When he walked in, I handed him the fax and I think he was about to pass out. I smiled and said, I'm pregnant! He didn't believe me and wanted to see the fax. He was pretty much in shock all night. I think it finally hit him the next morning. He had tears running down his face while he told me how happy he was. Then when we went to bed, he kissed my belly good night.

Speaking of bellies, someone mentioned that belly shots are supposed to be from side view. Well, we just happen to have taken one of those too:



Hey, look, I think I've popped a little already! You'll have to pardon me, I may have an honorary degree in how to get pg, or more like how to not get pg... but I'm as dumb as a box of rocks when it comes to actually being pg. Seriously, I really have no clue what I'm doing here.

I was brave and ventured into the dark pregnancy storage area. Remember in the beginning, back when you thought sex = baby, you bought all of these cute little outfits and pregnancy items, thinking your time would be right around the corner? Then after you realized that sex does not = baby, you hid all of that stuff out of sight? Well I went there, and this is one of the items I found.



And the starting date on them, March 2004! I remember subscribing to these back when we decided we wanted a baby.  We of course couldn't start trying until Jan 2006 when Kerry had his vasectomy reversed, but wow, I didn't realize we have been wanting this baby for quite this long. I remember that I wanted to read up and be the best mom ever.



Today I started having a little bit of pink spotting. I layed down immediately and that seemed to nip it in the bud. I see it so often that I'm not going to let it stress me out. I'll just make sure I take it easy when it happens.

So what's next? Next week they will check my estrogen and progesterone levels to see if they need to tweak my meds any.  Then Nov 2 I'll have my first U/S to see if we got a heartbeat.

Speaking of the U/S, I have a funny for ya...

Kerry: So what will they look for at the U/S?

Me: They will check for a heartbeat and make sure it implanted in the correct location.

Kerry: Why would it implant in any other location than where Dr. Schoolcraft put it?

Me: Well it floats around a little and can implant in the fallopian tube causing an ectopic.

Kerry: No, Dr. Schoolcraft is the embryo whisperer, it stayed right where he put it.

Last but not least, I want to once again thank every one of you for all your support. All of the comments, emails and calls were amazing. Many of you had me in tears, happy tears.

Love,
Jill

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

FET#1.5 - Beta 1


The path has been chosen.

It is the path so full of joy that I'm in tears as I type.

I am in complete shock!!!!!! 

I am PREGNANT!!!!!!

Beta 193 (>50)

Progesterone 12.75 (>6)



So I was supposed to receive a fax but instead I received a call from my local nurse. This is how is played out:

Me: Hello?

Nurse: May I ask who I'm speaking to?

Me: This is Jill

Nurse: Mom?

Me: No, this is Jill

Nurse:  Who?  Mom?

Me: No, this is Jill

Nurse: Mom?

Me: OMG OMG OMG, are you serious?????

Nurse: Yes, you are pregnant!

Me: OMG OMG, how pregnant?

Nurse: 193

Me: OMG, tell me again!

Nurse: You are pregnant!

... long chit chat ...

Me: Please tell me one more time!

Nurse: You are pregnant!

Me:  OMG, I am sooooo happy!!!!!




God I've waited a long time to be able to do this! Those discolored areas on my belly are estrogen patches.

I hope this gives hope to those with failure after failure, never give up! I hope this gives hope to those with no symptoms and bleeding before beta, it does not mean you are out!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your support! This is all surreal!

Love,
Jill

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

FET#1.5 - 8dp5dt (Day Before Beta)

Tomorrow will be a life altering day for us. Our journey down this very long and winding road has come to a fork.


One path will be a very heart breaking one. Our life will go on without a little K&J that we have dreamt of for so long. Knowing there will be no reward for all of our blood, sweat and tears will be painful. All of our time and resources poured into this for nothing will be hard to swallow. But time will heal us and we will be ok because together, we are strong. We are so incredibly blessed with a great marriage and wonderful family and friends, that will be our focus.

The other path will come with more joy than we could contain. All of our hard work and determination will have paid off. All of our incurred debt will no longer matter. It will be the happiest day of our lives to date. This path seems so surreal.

We have no idea which path will be chosen for us. We have done everything we could, we have left no stone unturned. It's now out of our hands and we can only pray that we will receive a miracle.


Today has not been an easy day for us. With our first 2 IVFs, AF arrived before the beta. On our third IVF we made it to beta before AF reared her ugly self, but it was a BFN regardless. So here we are, day before beta and I started spotting pink this morning. In the afternoon it turned to bright red. This does not mean we're totally out, this does happen, but it is scary for us considering our history. It's a horrible deja vu that we are really hoping to not revisit.

Kerry and I both took tomorrow off from work. As I said in my last post, we will be asking our clinic to please not call us and instead fax us the results. We will read it together. We will take the time we need to process the results. During this time, we'd like to kindly ask that all family/friends refrain from calling us. We will call each family household and share our news good or bad. Once we've called you, please remain tight-lipped until we have had a chance to share our news with all immediate family members. Once we have completed our call list, we will then post our results on this blog.

Thanks everyone for all of your support through this challenging time.

Monday, October 12, 2009

FET#1.5 - 7dp5dt

Ahhh, some relief! Let me tell you, life is so much nicer when you don't have a current evil pee stick haunting your every thought. I've regained my hope and positive outlook, it's a much nicer place to be when you're living minute by minute trying to survive the 2ww.

Still no symptoms, but I've received lots of emails/comments with reassuring stories of gals who swore they weren't successful due to no symtpoms and actually were pg. Thanks for those, I feel so much better!

I called and scheduled my beta today! At the end of the call, the lady said; ok, I got you down for beta this Wednesday. I swear my heart skipped 3 beats.

It's only 2 days away and yet it seems it will never get here.


Sunday, October 11, 2009

FET#1.5 - 6dp5dt

Hi All,

Several of you commented/emailed about seeing a 2nd line on the 5dp5dt test.  I think what you are seeing is the area where the plastic part of the test meets the paper area. In real life, there is definitely no 2nd line, it's stark white. Also, thanks for letting me know that the internet cheapies are crap.

For any of you in or nearing the 2ww, please learn a painful lesson at my expense. Do NOT test early!!! You'll say to yourself you know it's early and it's ok if it's negative, but it just doesn't play out so easily.

I woke up this morning and found my temp had dropped, which usually means AF is coming. I hope my body hasn't stopped absorbing the progesterone. On top of that, the complete lack of symptoms and 2 BFNs, it was too much for me to handle. I had a mini-meltdown. Kerry asked if I was ok, I said no and then burst into tears. The fear overcame me, what if this doesn't work, this is my last embryo, my last chance.

Kerry gave me a good pep talk and I snapped out of it about 15 mins later. Then as soon as I arrived at church, I burst into uncontrollable tears. So no more testing for me!

After church, I decided to tell Kerry about the testing. We share everything with each other and it just felt wrong hiding something from him. I asked him; you know how when you proposed to me, you had all these ideas and couldn't wait to surprise me? He said yeah, then I continued with; well I've been dreaming of the day I would surprise you with a pg announcement for the last 4 years and with IVF I feel robbed of that. I literally have pages of surprise ideas I've jotted down over the years. I then told him I tested negative the last 2 days trying to fulfill that dream. All of my emotions then made sense to him.

He said it was very special what I was trying to do, but it was not worth what it was putting me through. Doubt and fear was trying to replace hope and faith, a place I had worked so hard to be at and he hated to see me have to go backwards.

We made a plan together. We will not be doing anymore testing. We're going to wait on the beta and have the results faxed to us. We'll read the fax together and either celebrate or cry together. These next 3 days are going to seem an eternity. I hope and pray that we have a happy ending to share with you all. Thanks for all your support!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

FET#1.5 - 5dp5dt

I've received a few emails asking if I plan on POAS or if I'm having any symptoms yet.

As of right now, I have not had one single symptom except 1 more crying episode. Kerry and I watched the Prison Break finale last night. In the end, the main character sacrificed himself so that his pg wife could live. I had tears pouring down my face uncontrollably. Other than that, nope, nothing, nada!

I do have a confession to make.  I did POAS last night on 4dp5dt. I'm normally one that is terrified of those evil sticks and hold out until night before beta. But, I saw that a few other gals that transferred hatching blasts did get a positive on 4dp5dt. I caved in.

IVF robs you of so much, complete strangers put our egg and sperm together. What if I could find out sooner and be given the opportunity to surprise my husband like normal women do, don't I deserve to be able to tell him instead of the doctor? I prepared myself well, I knew it was very early and there was a good chance of a negative. 

Here's the test:



Do you see 2 lines???  Don't bother straining your eyes, there's only 1. I starred at that little stick for at least 30 mins willing it to have a line. I viewed it under every type of lighting. In the end, it still had 1 line.

Let me tell ya, no matter how much you prepare yourself and no matter how well you know it's probably too early, it still messes with you. Your hope goes down a little. Your doubt goes up a little. I'm sure you know what was next... I scoured the internet for others that tested negative at this time and went on to have a positive later. I found plenty of them and then I was back to being at peace.

So I've learned my lesson, or maybe not. Ponder, pee, dip and repeat.

Today's test:



See 2 lines yet?  Me either... =((((  Darn it, I just want to surprise my husband!!!!  Oh crap, here come the tears again, symptom??

Dear family, please keep this hush-hush. Kerry does not know I've tested. I'm still holding out hope that I will get the opportunity to surprise him before beta.

If anyone has an encouraging experience to share, now would be a good time.