Hi All,
Several of you commented/emailed about seeing a 2nd line on the 5dp5dt test. I think what you are seeing is the area where the plastic part of the test meets the paper area. In real life, there is definitely no 2nd line, it's stark white. Also, thanks for letting me know that the internet cheapies are crap.
For any of you in or nearing the 2ww, please learn a painful lesson at my expense. Do NOT test early!!! You'll say to yourself you know it's early and it's ok if it's negative, but it just doesn't play out so easily.
I woke up this morning and found my temp had dropped, which usually means AF is coming. I hope my body hasn't stopped absorbing the progesterone. On top of that, the complete lack of symptoms and 2 BFNs, it was too much for me to handle. I had a mini-meltdown. Kerry asked if I was ok, I said no and then burst into tears. The fear overcame me, what if this doesn't work, this is my last embryo, my last chance.
Kerry gave me a good pep talk and I snapped out of it about 15 mins later. Then as soon as I arrived at church, I burst into uncontrollable tears. So no more testing for me!
After church, I decided to tell Kerry about the testing. We share everything with each other and it just felt wrong hiding something from him. I asked him; you know how when you proposed to me, you had all these ideas and couldn't wait to surprise me? He said yeah, then I continued with; well I've been dreaming of the day I would surprise you with a pg announcement for the last 4 years and with IVF I feel robbed of that. I literally have pages of surprise ideas I've jotted down over the years. I then told him I tested negative the last 2 days trying to fulfill that dream. All of my emotions then made sense to him.
He said it was very special what I was trying to do, but it was not worth what it was putting me through. Doubt and fear was trying to replace hope and faith, a place I had worked so hard to be at and he hated to see me have to go backwards.
We made a plan together. We will not be doing anymore testing. We're going to wait on the beta and have the results faxed to us. We'll read the fax together and either celebrate or cry together. These next 3 days are going to seem an eternity. I hope and pray that we have a happy ending to share with you all. Thanks for all your support!
I am praying for you! I will celebrate with and cry with you too!
ReplyDeleteKeep praying and believing!
I too have often dreamt of being able to surprise DH with a + pg test, but IVF robbed us of that joy as well. So I totally get your emotions.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you and Kerry talked, and I am so glad he is so awesome. Good luck over the next 3 days. My candle has been burning bright every evening for you - and I have been thinking very hopeful thoughts for you.
Know that all of us will celebrate or cry with you. Good luck.
Jill--I am so glad you have such a wonderful husband in Kerry. I know that whatever the outcome you two will be strong together. I'm glad you're stepping away from the test sticks...I hope these next few days you can find that hopeful place again.
ReplyDeleteWe are all here for you.
I totally get why you're going to wait and I admire your strength as I was completely unable to control myself. My heart just aches for you right now and I think about you and the agony that you're going through with this dreaded 2ww. The closer you get to the beta, the longer each day seems to stretch. You're very lucky to have such a wonderful guy in Kerry to support you through this (as you already know). We're all here as well for you too. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteP.S. It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and I sent a special wish out into the big wide universe for you, asking all the forces that be to answer your prayers in the way you want.
ReplyDeleteOh, Jill, those bless-ed little peesticks can be so cruel. I hate those little buggers and am sorry they have been causing you so much stress! I'm glad you are stepping away from them.
ReplyDeleteI have that same list of "telling hubby and family" ideas collected over the years and totally get wanting any part of this to feel "normal".
I'm sitting with you the next few days waiting for your fax. Many hugs, sweetie.
Pee sticks are evil, especially the internet cheapies. Having no symptoms is a good thing. I had no symptoms when I got pg.
ReplyDeleteAnother story: a friend of mine did a DE cycle and was convinced it didn't work. She tested with cheapie pee sticks, and they came up negative. She was resigned to the fact that it didn't work. She was actually pregnant with twins.
Good for you for not testing. Please keep doing your hypnofertility and don't believe those pee sticks!
Hi Jill,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a good idea to avoid the evil pee sticks until the beta. Hugs xx
I love the surprise the hubby idea for announcing pregnancy. I missed that too. I gave up on it after the first miscarriage...b/c I was painfully confronted with the notion that, in my case, a BFP is likely just the start of all of the pain. I'm so sorry that you are in a similar boat. It hurts a lot to miss out on those cute little surprises that IF takes away from us. On a good note, you and Kerry are a team and you will face everything together and head on...that's even better than a surprise.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry the pee sticks were so mean. I can't wait for your beta...and really am praying constantly that you get a great, strong number.
Hang in there in this final stretch. I'm sending you both all the well wishes, hugs, good vibes and all that! Body parts remain crossed.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you and Kerry...hang in there sweetheart!!! (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteStay hopeful!!! Ignore the tests and don't worry about symptoms...I will remind you again...I had NONE even weeks after the beta. Hang in there...I am thinking about you and Kerry both.
ReplyDeleteSmiles, Heidi
I, too, hate pee sticks and on my last cycle I refused to POAS because of the reaction it caused within me to see a BFN. You have done so much this cycle to be in a good place, physically, emotionally and mentally...don't let those evil pee sticks pop your uphoria bubble:)
ReplyDeleteI think it is so awesome for you and Kerry to see the results together. After all, this journey has been about both of you pulling together and although you would love to surprise him after all of this time, it will be much sweeter to see that BFN together, as the team that you are:)
Jill...
ReplyDeleteI have read your blog...and all your comments.
I am with Stuart and Sarah, "Keep praying and believing!"
I am with Nikki, when she said, "Know that all of us will celebrate or cry with you. Good luck."
I am with Lost in Space, when she said, "Jill, those bless-ed little peesticks can be so cruel."
I love you as big as the sky, Mama
Sweetie, I don't know what to say other than I'm praying for you and Kerry-- praying hard that you get to celebrate in just a few short days!
ReplyDeleteNo other words in this how-can-2-weeks-last-so-long wait... I will learn from your pain and not test before AF is due... Thanks for that.
Love ya hon,
The Other Jill
Jill and Kerry...
ReplyDeleteI'm in agreement with all your comments...keep the faith! Three days may seem like an eternity, but from where you were...it's just a drop in the bucket! Hang in there! Love always and a day...Aunt Carol
Hoping and praying for good news for you :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Jill I'm thinking about you all the time and am wishing you the most wonderful news possible in 3 days. HANG IN THERE XXXXXXXXXXX
ReplyDelete