Tuesday, December 30, 2008

What's Next - Part 1

What's next? A 3 month break to heal physically/emotionally and counseling with someone who specializes in infertility.

Over the last 3 years, my husband has always commented on how strong I am and how easily I bounce back from incredibly disappointing circumstances, but this last failure has taken a toll on me. I'm struggling with anger and frustration. I have so many questions that have no answers.

Despite my circumstances, I have been very blessed in the area of infertility over the last 3 years. How? Blessed that I am genuinely happy for those who conceived effortlessly and free, thank God they didn't have to endure the trials of infertility. Blessed that I have overwhelming joy when someone announces their pregnancy miracle. Blessed that I love to hear a friend's birth story. Blessed that I am able to serve in the nursery at church. Blessed that I can attend baby showers and children's birthday parties. Blessed that I can stroll through the baby department full of hope and expectation. Blessed at how much I enjoy receiving photos of babies and belly shots. Blessed that I can so easily ignore ignorant comments/advice.

I feel I'm losing a grip in a few of these areas as my fight with infertility continues. It's relentless and I know how fast it can take you down if you let it. I peed on one little evil stick and now all this...

I'm currently unable to attend baby centered gatherings. I don't hold any ill feelings towards the people living my dream, but being in this environment surrounded by the very thing that I can't seem to reach for the life of me hurts too much right now.

I had to temporarily step down from serving in the nursery. I felt it would be best for the parent to not witness my tears while holding their adorable baby.

I can no longer walk through the baby section without tearing up. Will I ever be able to walk through there and actually buy something besides a baby shower gift?

I suddenly struggle with unsolicited comments/advice. My husband keeps telling me to take the good, the encouraging and ignore the rest. I realize that those that have never dealt with infertility truly cannot comprehend but some people say the most hurtful stuff.

Speaking of unsolicited advice, just the other day a lady approached me and said she wanted to talk to me. She went on and on about what an amazing person I am and what an amazing loving person my husband is and how incredibly blessed our marriage is... I was wondering if she was confusing me with someone else, I'm just your average gal. I was just standing there smiling at her, having no clue what she was getting at... Then one sentenance later, the smile had faded. She told me that I should give up on having children because I'm blessed with a great marriage and how she has a really bad marriage and how I should just be thankful for my marriage. She then hugged me and said she just wanted to encourage me. I stood there dumbfounded. Maybe I should have told her that she should give up on her marriage because she's blessed with 2 handsome sons and 5 beautiful grandchildren. I don't know why I let it get to me, I guess because when you're already down, things affect you on a deeper level. She left me questioning myself, am I ungrateful because I want more than a great marriage, that I want a child with this person that I love? Sorry, rabbit trail, moving on...

It truly is a gift to be able to be genuinely happy for those who so easily obtain the very thing that you have been denied, your heart's desire, the thing that consumes your every thought, the thing you would give anything for. I don't want to lose this gift. Without this gift, there's jealousy, hurt, bitterness, anger, loneliness, depression, self destruction and separation. I can't go there, I will not go there, I cannot give this seed a chance to grow. So yes, I'm seeking help. Hi, my name is Jill and I'm a messed up mama-wannabe-aholic.


  1. I will wholeheartedly agree that it is truly a gift to be able to be genuinely happy for everyone else as they obtain your dream, effortlessly sometimes.

    I have smiled and smiled and smiled through so much pain. I have delivered homecooked meals and lovely baked goods to families and their newborns. I have hosted shower after shower after shower. Always smiling. And then utterly breaking down in private, never letting my friends see me in my darkest moments, sometimes unable to get off the couch for hours upon hours as I sob.

    And that woman with her comments? She needs to shut.up.quick. What a joke. You are perfectly within your right to want whatever you want--and wanting children WITH your husband who makes up half of a great marriage is the NORM. Hello??

    We HAVE to keep on hoping. And helping each other through this.

    Big hugs.

  2. Thanks Ashley (DAVs), I know you get it and I'm so sorry that you get it. Big hugs right back at ya!

  3. You know what Jill, you completely inspire me to be better than I am and to keep holding onto hope when there is nothing else. Sometimes I think that IF has changed me so much that I no longer recognize the person I've become but you've reminded me that she's in there...deep inside. I just have to look hard and to find her sometimes.

    As for that lady at your church - she should learn to keep her comments to herself. You can be completely, 100% grateful to have a wonderful marriage and it is still okay to want to have kids in addition to that. Having one does not preclude having the other!

    Good for you for looking for a therapist too - I found it helped me enormously and I think that when you find the right therapist, it will help you deal with all of this stuff IF throws at you.

    Hugs - you're an inspiration.

  4. I agree that it is a gift to be genuinely happy for others who get what you are denied, and it takes a large heart and an even larger person to do that. I confess I started out ok - baby showers, hospital visits, birthday parties - the whole jazz. And somewhere along the line I let my bitterness take over. I started feeling like I stick out like a sore thumb at these get togethers - smiling and looking fake. So I started staying away - and now, I restrict myself to only a very very limited handful of people who get it, and whose children matter to me personally.

    The lady with the advice - wow! I've heard people say "You have a great marriage - enjoy it, why do you want kids" and my response always has been - Does one have to be in a bad marriage to want children? How about wanting children because of the love in your marriage? I don't know why people don't get that!

    I'm wishing you the best for the coming year! I hope you get the break you need, and come back rejuvenated!

  5. I wish I had your gift... I have a become so bitter..hope you dont have to walk that path...

  6. All those things you mentioned are true gifts that are deep inside you...just because you can't keep a smile on your face all the time right now is no reflection on your true character. I think your reactions are normal and healthy.

    I could and can only do those things you mentioned for my closest friends...no one else. Don't even get me started on the random pregnant Target customers :-)...

    May 2009 bring abundant joy - to us all! (Except to that lady who made the dumb comment...:-)..kidding! I'm not THAT bitter..well, maybe I am ;-).

  7. Oh, Jill - I didn't know you got your BFN! I am so so sorry. I was so wrapped up in my own horrible disappointment and pain and I am so used to following my "regular" bloggers that I missed out entirely on what you have been going through. However, I'm adding your blog right now to my bloglist...and I am keeping up with you through all of this, we will do the big scary CGH at CCRM, go broke, but get our babies soon.

    I also know exactly how you feel about finally getting to that point where babies, pregnant ladies, and the easily fertile make you sad. I still don't resent those who are pregnant or have beautiful children or take for granted that they can easily conceive, but I also don't want to be around them right now either. I am also finding myself getting short for the first time with those who say stupid things (aka unsolicited infertility advice from everyone, but lately from those who have children, usually).

    A break is a good thing, though it can be hard to take the time off. I am so glad you commented on my blog because I can't wait to follow your journey and share this with you too. We will get there and then we can lose all of this sadness and try to set aside all the stuff we had to go through to get there.

  8. Jill, I so hope you're starting to feel better. It does take it's toll, that's for sure. I totally understand your need to avoid baby-centered events for now. I struggle with them too. Thanks for your lovely comment on my blog with good luck wishes. Things went well today; so far so good. But I admit to being terrified of the fert report call tomorrow and then the 3 and 5 day reports.


Thank you for your comment! Hugs, Kerry and Jill