As the new year arrived, I found myself reflecting over the last year, the good, the bad and the in between. I made a few new year resolutions, some the same I made last year and the year before, you know the ones you never manage to follow through with. This will be our 4th January we’ve said “this will be the year of our miracle baby”. I’ve tried so hard to follow through with this one, but once again, I failed.
Honestly, 2008 was a rough year for us. It was a wild ride of hope and excitement followed by devastation, a ride that we rode 3 times, a ride that we spent our entire annual income on. While I hate to label 2008 as a bad year when I am blessed in so many other areas, this year has left a hole in my heart.
While a baby would fill the void, I’ve learned that I have no control over this. I cannot obtain it in my own strength, nor in the doctor’s strength as 2008 proved. My body has failed me, science has failed me and God has failed me, or has He??? Could it be the other way around, have I failed Him? Have I sought His hand and not His face? Hmmm….
I’ve found that infertility can really wreak havoc on your relationship with God and your faith. We pray our hearts out for our miracle and here we sit year after year, still barren. We sit back and watch everyone around us conceive so effortlessly. We watch crack whores throw their babies away in dumpsters. We watch mothers murder their children because their boyfriend doesn’t want kids. We wonder if God is even listening, if He even cares. God said be fruitful and multiply. I’m trying God, I really am. It is His will for us to reproduce, I just wish I could understand what’s in the way. Proverbs 30:15-16 says there are four things that are never satisfied; hell, a barren womb, parched land and fire. So there we go, even God acknowledges the undying all-consuming desire that is in us to bare children. Geez, we infertiles rank right up there with fire and hell.
The thing is, God gave us a free will, we’re not robots, we choose to do good or bad. People can choose to throw away their children. Food manufacturers can choose to put chemicals in our food that inflict cancer or disrupt hormones. Unfortunately one's bad decision usually affects many. Life is unfair, it’s just a fact we have to face.
My pastor tells us a story of when he was sitting at his piano and his 3 yr old daughter came up to him and said “daddy, daddy” while reaching for him and how it melted his heart. But when he picked her up, she reached for the piano, she didn’t want her dad, she wanted something he had.
Maybe this is what we do to God. We reach for Him when we want something He has, but when everything is going well, we stop reaching. Is our love for God conditional?
One thing is for sure, I do not want a repeat of 2008. That means I’m going to have to make some foundational changes. I love this quote by Albert Einstein; “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Insanity describes this journey well. A couple of my resolutions this year are to reclaim my life and have some fun. To get back on track with God, to reach for Him just because I love Him and not because I want my miracle. By no means am I giving up, my unsatisfied womb would not allow that =), I’m just trying to get my priorities straight and not let infertility define who I am.
I definitely agree. This really does make you question every element of life...and, in particular, your relationship with God. You can't help but wonder why you were singled out (and it does feel like you are singled out) or what you did to deserve this (I think DH and I try to be great, caring, considerate people - we go out of our ways to help others when we can). But, I think you are right, we have to try to just accept things and move forward with optimism...either that we will be parents or be adoptive parents, or we will learn to be happy and find joy as a couple. I do hope that 2009 is a great year for you...whatever that means.
ReplyDeleteWow, your post has a lot going on it. I agree--the IF battle really causes you to question a LOT of things. I hope you never have a repeat of 2008 and that you are able to reclaim yourself and have some fun! You deserve all the best.
ReplyDeleteJill,
ReplyDeleteYou are such an unbelievably amazing woman and I know in my heart that you WILL be a mommy someday. I also know that this stupid infertility stuff WILL NOT ruin you.....you ARE going to come out of this thing a winner! I love you now GO HAVE SOME FUN!!!!
Jill,
ReplyDeleteI hear you about IF changing so many things in your life. As you know, I too have struggled for a long time with my faith through all of this and I can't say that I am as strong and steadfast as you are...it has really shaken me to my core beliefs and I can't make any sense of it at all. What you said about us infertiles ranking right up there with fire and hell unfortunately made a lot of sense to me though :(
Life IS so unfair and I don't know why we try to make such an illusion of fairness in our lives. I have let IF define my life for too long and I am either going to get some answers this year or move on. I wish the same for you in 2009 as well.
All the other comments say exactly what I want to say. IF is unfair -it changes our relationships, with God, with each other, with family and with friends.
ReplyDelete2008 was a difficult and challenging year for many many people. I hope the new year is a smoother one, and I hope your dreams come true!
Hugs!
This post resonated with me on so many levels. I completely agree with IF ranking right up there with hell and fire-- I just wish that others IRL would understand that too.
ReplyDeleteAlmost a year ago I made a reference about crack whores having babies to a friend. She completely did not understand what I was saying and we are no longer friends. She could only see her side of what she believed and did not take my crack whore statement as my frustration at the infairness of the world.
IF has changed all of us and I don't think we will ever forget the pain we have suffered.
I hope that 2009 is better for you!
Kris
Wow, Jill... So well said and seemingly pointed directly at me this morning!!! Thanks for pouring out your heart and your thoughts and reminding those of us out here reading that we're not alone. While I would never wish IF, crazy circumstances or pain on anyone, knowing that we aren't the only ones who've felt this way makes the rollercoaster of emotions seem a little more normal.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and praying for you and Kerry. May 2009 be a turning point for all of us... I pray for myself an attitude of gratitude no matter what we face.
Blessings for you my friend,
The Other Jill
I was reading a few of your recent posts to *catch up* - when I read this one, I got cold chills. I started reading a Christian IF book this week and just this morning (like less than 1hr ago), the readings mentioned these 2 biblical verses you refer to. (Then, I read your blog ~ strange the way things work out, huh?) The book is for couples dealing with IF...part of the book addresses IF and spirituality. If you are interested, I can email you the details.
ReplyDeleteHi Jill and Kerry! I made it to the right place...miracles do happen! I haven't had a chance to go through the whole site, but the parts I did see were great! I loved your pictures-you guts are very photogenic and it was like going on a tour of the country (where are we going next)? Jill, you're so pretty and you look a lot like your Mom! I was surprised to see your hair dark! And Kerry, you're just plain tall and handsome! Austin is such a cutie too! Well keep the pics coming...I enjoyed reading it. Until I blog you back, I love you all always and a day!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Aunt Carol xoxoxoxo