What's Next - Part 2

Finally, part 2 of what's next. I've been dragging my feet hoping I'd never have to write this post, but alas, it's time. We're not getting anywhere on our own and we're definitely not getting any younger.

Having to make this decision basically turned my life upside down for a few days. I was struggling with anger, I was irritable and snappy. I cried more times than I care to admit. The happy me that I had just uncovered was gone.

But not to worry, I'm back. Now that the decision has been made, I'm content and at peace with it. We are going for IVF#4. If your eyes just bugged out and your mouth hit the ground, don't worry, I had the same reaction.

Some were wondering why my decision needed to be made so fast. Mostly because I drug my feet until the last second. If we did decide to do another IVF, you have to let the clinic know on cd1, which gave me 24 hrs. Also, the lab shuts down twice a year and if I didn't get going now, I would be delayed another couple of months.

The decision was easy for Kerry, he had already decided that we should do another IVF back in Dec when we got our BFN. His take is that we have invested an incredible amount of time, energy and financial resources into this process. The doctors have learned a great deal. If we were to give up now, it would be like throwing all that in the trash. It would be different if we weren't making any progress, but we have, and hopefully we're on the verge of a break through.

I totally agree with Kerry and to give up now would leave regrets and what ifs. IVF is many times trial and error. We now have lots of valuable data and that increases my chances that they will get the formula right this time.

The decision for me was much more difficult and emotionally draining. I'm sure a big part of it has to do with it being me that will endure all the poking and prodding, hormonal craziness and surgery. I really wish surgery was all it was, just go in, get knocked out and when you awake, wa-la, you're knocked up. But it's not, it's a long drawn out process and with that comes stress, anxiety and a lab rat quality of life. It's not fun, no one wants to do IVF.

I also found myself getting really mad about what this is going to cost us. While Kerry isn't too happy about it himself, he is able to look past it and say it's just money, we'll pay it off some day. He keeps telling me to take the financial factor out of my decision. When I do, IVF is a much easier decision, but still, I'm just pissed at how much this costs with no guarantees. Conception should be free! It will all be worth it and I'll never look back if this works, but if it doesn't, there's no way around it, it will be devastating. Yes, we are willingly taking this risk.

I did get the usual comment from a lady at church; "have you thought about adoption?". Hmmm, no, I would have never thought of that! The truth is, we're not there yet. While we're open to adoption, it's not time. We wish we could have adoption going on in the background, but we are unable to afford adoption and IVF at the same time. Since we're not ready to give up on our dream of having a little K&J, we went with IVF. It's our dream, our fairy tale ending and we will continue to dream as long as we can hang on.