Tuesday, April 7, 2009

What's Next - Part 2

Finally, part 2 of what's next. I've been dragging my feet hoping I'd never have to write this post, but alas, it's time. We're not getting anywhere on our own and we're definitely not getting any younger.

Having to make this decision basically turned my life upside down for a few days. I was struggling with anger, I was irritable and snappy. I cried more times than I care to admit. The happy me that I had just uncovered was gone.

But not to worry, I'm back. Now that the decision has been made, I'm content and at peace with it. We are going for IVF#4. If your eyes just bugged out and your mouth hit the ground, don't worry, I had the same reaction.

Some were wondering why my decision needed to be made so fast. Mostly because I drug my feet until the last second. If we did decide to do another IVF, you have to let the clinic know on cd1, which gave me 24 hrs. Also, the lab shuts down twice a year and if I didn't get going now, I would be delayed another couple of months.

The decision was easy for Kerry, he had already decided that we should do another IVF back in Dec when we got our BFN. His take is that we have invested an incredible amount of time, energy and financial resources into this process. The doctors have learned a great deal. If we were to give up now, it would be like throwing all that in the trash. It would be different if we weren't making any progress, but we have, and hopefully we're on the verge of a break through.

I totally agree with Kerry and to give up now would leave regrets and what ifs. IVF is many times trial and error. We now have lots of valuable data and that increases my chances that they will get the formula right this time.

The decision for me was much more difficult and emotionally draining. I'm sure a big part of it has to do with it being me that will endure all the poking and prodding, hormonal craziness and surgery. I really wish surgery was all it was, just go in, get knocked out and when you awake, wa-la, you're knocked up. But it's not, it's a long drawn out process and with that comes stress, anxiety and a lab rat quality of life. It's not fun, no one wants to do IVF.

I also found myself getting really mad about what this is going to cost us. While Kerry isn't too happy about it himself, he is able to look past it and say it's just money, we'll pay it off some day. He keeps telling me to take the financial factor out of my decision. When I do, IVF is a much easier decision, but still, I'm just pissed at how much this costs with no guarantees. Conception should be free! It will all be worth it and I'll never look back if this works, but if it doesn't, there's no way around it, it will be devastating. Yes, we are willingly taking this risk.

I did get the usual comment from a lady at church; "have you thought about adoption?". Hmmm, no, I would have never thought of that! The truth is, we're not there yet. While we're open to adoption, it's not time. We wish we could have adoption going on in the background, but we are unable to afford adoption and IVF at the same time. Since we're not ready to give up on our dream of having a little K&J, we went with IVF. It's our dream, our fairy tale ending and we will continue to dream as long as we can hang on.


  1. Wow.....I'm REALLY proud of you for pulling yourself together and finally making the decision. As always, I'm right there along with you in this process once again, holding you HIGH in prayer! Please LORD, let this work!!!

    Love ya!

  2. Good luck with IVF#4, Jill. You know all of us are rooting for you! Good luck!!

  3. Wow big decision! I remember us deciding to do IVF#4, at CCRM. It was big, going from three to four. But I don't regret it! I mean, duh I wish it had worked out better, but I certainly don't regret trying.
    Hoping #4 is THE ONE for you! Are you going back to CCRM?

  4. Whatever you're writing about...I wish you and Kerry the very best outcome. I know, from talking to your Mom, that this is your most desired prayer. So I pray you concieve in God's time table and in the way He decides is right and perfect for you. Talk to God, only He knows for sure which road to take. I am so sad for all the children in the world who need a good Mom and Dad and it cost so much, that's just messed up! Anyway, keep the spirits high and the faith even higher!
    Aunt Carol xoxoxoxo

  5. We are here for you all the way, and will be praying for you both every step of it. Are you going to retrieve and then transfer in another cycle like you had once talked about? or thinking of trying a fresh cycle again? Don't forget there is a little K&J waiting in the wings to meet you already....
    We love you so much,
    Lyndsay and Brian

  6. If IVF were free, I would just keep cycling and cycling until I got what I wanted. Sad that everything revolves around money. I think there should be a bundle deal for everyone, not just a select few, where you buy 3 cycles and get the 4th one free if you're still not successful. I know how hard of a decision that was to make and I am cheering you on and truly hope that this is it for you guys and that you get what you want in the end. GL GL GL!!!

  7. Yay! You sound very "full speed ahead!" I'm glad you are going forward with this...and I am sure you are on pins and needles about the protocol!

  8. It is our dream too that you have a little K&J. I know in one way this was a very hard decision to make, but in another it was the only way togo. I know it is harder on you, than Kerry, but he will be right there with you in every step.We are with you all the way. Our Prayer Warriors have never given up.
    Love you bunches
    Jean and Crew

  9. Great that you've got a decision on your hands. And, I think, an excellent one. I agree that with each IVF you have the findings of the previous ones on your side.

    Your DH is just like mine in this respect; tells me not to think about the money, too. Easier said than done for me, that's one of the aspects of this that stresses me out the most.

    I love that you're starting right away as well. I'll be following along and cheering you on all the way. Hugs.

  10. Glad to read your update, and I'll be watching, cheering, and praying that this is THE ONE. We know God has it under control, but sometimes it just takes us a while to get to the decision point. I'm glad you're there and ready to jump in with both feet, again. You're right-- you've gained so much information about what works, what doesn't and what they need to do, so this time, they will get it!!! Yes, thinking positive for you. ;0)
    Love to you guys and prayers for success!!!
    The Other Jill

  11. Congrats on making such a hard decision. I, too, really don't like doing IVF and the impact it has on my life and on those around me. I get mad, angry and upset, but hope is still there kicking me forward to try again. And the fact that I don't like the alternative of not cycling again. I am here by your side cheering you on and hoping that this is the one for you!

    Will you be going back to CCRM?

  12. I am proud of you and Kerry making this decision, it is a tough one and full of emotion. We are here with you, cheering you on!

  13. Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
    I'm ready to climb back on the rollar coaster with you. Have had a break, you helped me a great deal get through my stressor (even though it was a happy one) three weeks ago, so now I'm your partner again. LETS RIDE.

    Love you
    Sheree (sis)

  14. Congrats on the decision. I hope this is the one for you both.

    My therapist said that women who go through infertility treatments are warriors. I totally agree - but I wish we could all just be wimpy...I don't know what...what's the opposite of a warrior? :-).

  15. Glad you went with your gut and are on the road to follow through with what you've learned. I think you'll know when and if you are going to switch tracks. It isn't now and I hope your subfertility journey ends soon with a bfp and baby booties in 8 weeks. :)

  16. I can only imagine how hard that decision was to make, Jill. I completely agree that if money were not a factor this would be much easier.

    From how you described everything really makes it seem like it is just what you should be doing right now. (Okay, "should" is not quite right. You "should" just be able to get pregnant from sex....you know what I mean though).

    I hope your cautious excitement grows in the next weeks to come. We are here every step of the way!!!

  17. I know how hard it is to push on with another IVF cycle. Although I have only had one failed cycle so far, it still takes a huge amount of energy and determination to have another go. I respect you girl.
    And you are right - they know so much more about you know. It would be a pity not to try, as you may always regret it.

  18. Jill,
    Good luck in your next journey. All we can do is hope and pray that this time it results in a K&J!!!

    Love you as big as the sky.



Thank you for your comment! Hugs, Kerry and Jill