Friday, April 3, 2009

Fruitless in Laguna, Decision Time

We were hoping to bring home a souvenir, ya know that kind that results in 2 lines? Let's just say that I was very fertile in Laguna, there was no stress and timing was perfect. I just knew it was our time. But sadly, it was not. I guess that was pretty naive of me to think that I could actually conceive naturally. Dang hope, always breaking my heart.

Back in December, I had written a post titled "What's Next -Part 1" with the intention of writing part 2 soon thereafter. For awhile I was recovering mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I was taking some time away from being defined by IF. Although I never escaped any of this completely, I at least got to a level where I could function normally and have fun again.

My plan then was to take a 3 cycle break, hoping and praying I would be one of those lucky women that conceived miraculously after failing IVF. If my luck didn't pan out, I was going to start IVF suppression on my 3rd cycle. I'm already past that point, I'll be starting my 4th cycle very soon, probably today.

I had held off on starting any type of treatment and gave myself 1 extra cycle of trying naturally. I put all my hope and faith into it. I was excited, confident, everything fell perfectly into place, well except that I didn't conceive. At least it was a very fun month and not in vain.

To this day, I still don't know what's next but it's decision time and I need to make one fast. I've been dreading this decision. IVF, CGH, Donor Cycle, Adoption? There is no easy path, no matter which decision I make, they are all long, emotionally draining, expensive, risky paths with no guarantees. The alternate path of just giving up... well, the tears just started rolling at the thought of that, I can't even go there. To be continued...


  1. Oh honey, I pray that God gives you some direction in whatever way you need to hear it, see it, feel it or touch it... Praying that His comfort will be evident and His peace will guide your steps.
    Love ya,
    The Other Jill

  2. Uggg...I hate posts like this:-( I don't even know what to say other than you KNOW I pray EVERY single day for you that God will bless you with that miracle! I don't know how he's going to bring it to you,,,,but he IS!!!

    Keep your chin up and I will continue to pray that he gives you definite direction.

    love you lots!

  3. I'm sorry you didn't get the natural result you were looking for...I am hoping for the same with my cycle post IVF too while I wait for microarray results. My body is all screwed up, timing is off but I still hope that a miracle happens. I'm closer that you to "the end" of our ART journey...we always said that this cycle was our last and we have taxed ourselves emotionally and financially but as we get closer to the end, I find myself still unwilling to let go. It's very frustrating and I too get tears in my eyes when I really think about giving up. It's a tough decision so take the time you need to make the right one for you both. Hugs.

  4. I'm sorry your natural cycle didn't work. Good luck with the decisions!

  5. WHAT?? A vacation didn't work? I say that with sarcasm, but also with heartfelt empathy, because even though I HATE when fertiles suggest this as a cure, I totally fall into the hope trap too.
    With the beginnings of AF myself today (hey cycle buddy!) I am still saddened to see that yet again, with all that perfectly timed BD and perfect LH surge, zip nada nothin'!

    I wish you luck with your next step. We're in decision limbo ourselves, so once again, we're buddies true and true.

  6. Oh crap. I just want one of us to be that friend we always hear about (all the freakin time) that decided to give up on infertility treatments and then got pregnant naturally. Sorry. I know it sucks even thought we don't put much real stock in it. still disappointing.

    I understand how you feel about not giving up. My thought is that if we still cry at just the start of an idea of giving up then we aren't ready to move on. We will know it is time to move on when we don't react that way. That is all I can say. I do the same thing. I already have plans until sometime next summer of all the IF things we will do if this doesnt work. I just heard a story about a woman doing CGH with 8 blasts and getting only 1 normal at 36 and then doing another cycle at 37 and only sending 3 blasts out and all 3 returning normal. What this does is say that "you can have crappy cycles. They exist" so, once again, I have hope and can't just stop here even if I get bad results. Crazy huh? And, I was supposed to learn something from this cycle, lol.

  7. Oh, Jull, Hope is my best friend and worst enemy all on the same day. When I got AF last month I told DH that I can't wait for menopause to come because to think that I would have hope that we will get pg naturally is just so cruel at this point. I just can't imgaine for the next 10+ years having hope each month that we will have sex and get pg.

    All of these decisions are so hard and scary. I sure wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I don't. But I am here walking by your side as we journey through this hell on earth.

  8. Darn, I was hoping to read this and you be one of those ladies.
    I know the decisions are hard and emotional, they are so difficult, but giving up is much harder. I know you will make the right decision for you and hubby, just take some time to find some peace with your choice, we are here.

  9. Isn't it weird how strong hope really is? I was the same, thinking that we might get pregnant on our own but, no it never happened. I still love seeing my LH surge and thinking of the possibilities. I'm sorry it didn't happen for you. The whole thing just sucks. I hope the right decision about what to do next comes to you. Whatever it is, I'll be there supporting you. Hugs.

  10. I'm sorry that you didn't conceive naturally. IF is such a painful and confusing journey. I hope that you can find peace as you move forward and consider your options.

  11. I am not sure how one makes such a decision when the decision doesn't just come easily. i am afraid that is up next for me. i tested out a fertility 'life' coach this week. i am going to try 3 sessions with her.

  12. I so wish I had some words of wisdom. It just isn't easy no matter how you look at it. Only you can know when you are ready to move on another path.

    I really wish you could have been "that" girl this month. Why not you, right!?

    Hugs, sweetie.

  13. First of all, your new blog background makes me happy :-).

    I ditto everyone - I wish you could have been "the story". I'm glad you were at least able to have fun in the process of trying to be ;-).

    Best of luck in the next step - whatever that may be.

  14. I am sorry. BFNs always suck, but they have a special sting to them when we are hoping beyond hope that maybe, just maybe this month will be different...

    Wishing you luck where ever your journey takes you next!


Thank you for your comment! Hugs, Kerry and Jill