Thursday, July 9, 2009

CGH Results, Part II

Reflecting on our recent journey and working through the emotions...

Our first failed cycle at CCRM left us with a perfect 4AA snowbaby. Initially the obvious next step was to transfer it in an FET. After much thought, we realized that if that embryo resulted in a baby, we would have no embryos left for a sibling. We also realized that if my eggs were crap now, they would be petrified crap by time I would cycle again. That is when we decided to cycle one last time, to increase our chances of having a baby now and a sibling later.

Our second cycle at CCRM resulted in 3 beautiful blasts, not as many as we had hoped for, but the best we had ever had. Joined with our snowbaby, we sent off 4 embryo biopsies for genetic testing.

Kerry and I had high hopes for our 4 embryos. We thought for sure at least 2 would come back normal. More would just be an extra blessing. We had become pretty attached to our embabies during the 6 week wait. They weren't just a ball of cells to us, they were half me and half Kerry, they were our potential children.

My IVF nurse called with the results. She said only 1 was normal. I took it pretty hard and cried for about 2 hrs. I told Kerry over dinner that night. His eyes swelled with tears. We had our hope dialed too high.

Let me say that we are very grateful that we have 1 normal embryo, it could have been a devastating 0 and boy did we come close to that! As I said before, while we do have 1, we are finding ourselves grieving the 3 that we had to say goodbye to. Now it all comes down to 1 embryo, 1 chance, no backup. Knowing that this is it creates a lot of anxiety that we are going to have to work hard to overcome.

Our dreams of a sibling was shattered. With time I will come to terms with this, I have to. I believe the sibling will come in another form and I believe we will love him/her just as much as our own. For now I need to focus on getting baby #1 here.

Our story is pretty sad when summed up as an addition problem:

1 vasectomy reversal
3.5 years of trying naturally
4 IVFs
72 eggs retrieved
50 mature
32 fertilized
8 embryos transferred, 0 implanted
4 blasts CGH genetically tested
1 normal embryo

For my readers that can relate to this, sending you a huge (((Hug))). For those that don't but continue to read and support me regardless, LOVE you!

The genetic counselor suggested that I take the time and allow myself to grieve the embryos that we lost and to not beat myself up for not being excited. She said this is very normal and sees this with patients all the time. It's difficult to celebrate the good news when you're weighed down with the bad. So that's what I'm doing. I'm working through all the sadness, grief, fear and anxiety. I want to get it all over with now so I can move forward with positive anticipation and not have it weigh me down.

A heart-felt thank you to all of you that left a comment or private email. Your words were very comforting and exactly what I needed. A few friends have addressed concern that they were afraid their comments would get lost in the shuffle and I'd never see them. Just know that your comments are emailed to me instantly and I read all of them, usually multiple times. It's your support that gets me through this, so thank you!

Next post I'll go over the details of the genetic results.


  1. Oh, Jill! I am so, so sorry. I have tears in my eyes reading your post. That darn IF keeps slapping in the face, IF sucks!

    It is so easy to get attached to those little, tiny cells that we hope to become our children. This whole thing totally stinks. I wish that the outcome were different for you. I will continue to hope, wish and pray that your lovely, perfect little embaby sticks around for a good nine months.

    Thinking of you always,

  2. We're here for you. I completely and totally get your mixed emotions - the disappointment along with the gratitude for your one normal embryo. I think you're doing the right thing though and taking the time you need to grieve. We lose soo much through this journey and if you don't pause to grieve, I have found that you get really angry and bitter. One of the things I have always admired about you is your sunny disposition and I would hate to see IF take that away from you. It has taken so much already. We're grieving right along with you both.

  3. I am so sorry. I wish there was something to say that would make this better, but I know there's not. I hope your normal embryo results in miracle #1 for you and your DH, and that you will find the path to your additional miracles in time.

  4. Scott and I are behind you guys 100%. You and Kerry deserve a family. Even though we didn't go through all you have gone through, I know what it's like to get attached to embryos, and lose them. Feel free to call and vent anytime!

    I sure hope this little one digs in and causes you plenty of morning sickness!!!

  5. There is a lot to grieve when you sum up your whole IF treatment. I find that with every loss, I'm grieving again the previous losses. I'm glad you are allowing yourself the grief, even if I'm still jumping up and down from the side lines for you.

  6. Thinking of you Jill. Take all the time you need to grieve, your embabie will be waiting for you when the time is right for you. This is a journey that nobody should have to endure and you have been through so much. ((((((((Jill))))))))).

    Just while I think of it now, you may want to think about following another blog sister's example and doing a session with Lydnsi Eastburn at I am planning to do the same pre-transfer. But you have lots and lots of time before you need to think about the next step. Thinking of you xxx

  7. Just to say, I'm sitting here on the kiddie coaster holding your seat for you while you take a break. Then we'll choose something else to ride, maybe with a few more thrills. LOL NO KUNDA KA
    Take all the time you need.

    See you in the morning, give Kerry a hug for me and I'm glad I can in person tomorrow,

    Love you both

  8. My heart breaks for you--knowing you are grieving now and still facing what seems to be a huge mountain... Know that we will all continue to pray for you and Kerry. I pray God's overwhelming peace to surround you, even when the whys, ifs, hows and whens keep pummeling you.
    Looking forward to rejoicing with you when your little baby is kicking, growing and moving inside of you! We have FAITH that it will happen. Take all the time you need and thanks for letting us share in your journey.
    Love to you both,
    The Other Jill

  9. Dear Jill,
    As your Mother, my heart silently breaks for you and Kerry. I try always to remain upbeat for you,and I am sure that isn't always the response that you need. Sometimes I am completely at loss as to what to say... I love you both so much, and I am here for you every step of the way. I understand totally, that grieving is a big part of the healing process, and you will move on when you are ready to. You are in my thoughts and prayers always!!!
    I love you as big as the sky.

  10. Wow, that list really lays out like a big kick in the teeth what you two have been through to get your normal embryo.
    What a bloody awful soul-destroying process it is!

  11. Jill, I really understand your conflicted emotions and the incredible sadness that hits you when you realise what you've gone through to get here. The pressure now is going to be tough to deal with. I think taking some time to come to terms with the results is a good idea and, not wanting to blow smoke, I'm feeling really optimistic for you two and your precious embryo. Big big hugs. Jessica xxxxx

  12. Jill, I have been away, and have only just read your news. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    With much love, Angie

  13. Hi Jill - I just came across your blog and I just want to tell you how moved I am by your post. I am sending you lots of positive energy and a great big hug.


Thank you for your comment! Hugs, Kerry and Jill