Fruitless in Laguna, Decision Time

We were hoping to bring home a souvenir, ya know that kind that results in 2 lines? Let's just say that I was very fertile in Laguna, there was no stress and timing was perfect. I just knew it was our time. But sadly, it was not. I guess that was pretty naive of me to think that I could actually conceive naturally. Dang hope, always breaking my heart.

Back in December, I had written a post titled "What's Next -Part 1" with the intention of writing part 2 soon thereafter. For awhile I was recovering mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I was taking some time away from being defined by IF. Although I never escaped any of this completely, I at least got to a level where I could function normally and have fun again.

My plan then was to take a 3 cycle break, hoping and praying I would be one of those lucky women that conceived miraculously after failing IVF. If my luck didn't pan out, I was going to start IVF suppression on my 3rd cycle. I'm already past that point, I'll be starting my 4th cycle very soon, probably today.

I had held off on starting any type of treatment and gave myself 1 extra cycle of trying naturally. I put all my hope and faith into it. I was excited, confident, everything fell perfectly into place, well except that I didn't conceive. At least it was a very fun month and not in vain.

To this day, I still don't know what's next but it's decision time and I need to make one fast. I've been dreading this decision. IVF, CGH, Donor Cycle, Adoption? There is no easy path, no matter which decision I make, they are all long, emotionally draining, expensive, risky paths with no guarantees. The alternate path of just giving up... well, the tears just started rolling at the thought of that, I can't even go there. To be continued...

Vacation: Laguna Beach

After a very tough 2008, we decided we needed a warm, sunny beach vacation and what better time than during our 7th anniversary and Kerry's birthday. We looked into the Caribbean islands, but with flights alone starting out at $1100, it was too expensive. As many of my blog friends can relate, 3 IVFs in one year can knock out your entire income pretty fast. We had earned free flights with Southwest, so we decided to stick with their destinations. That landed us in Laguna Beach, CA. We went el cheapo on the hotel and rental car, so it was a bargain of a vacation.

Here's a photo blast of our time in California...

Day 1:
Happy 43rd Birthday DH!!! I can't believe you're 43 already, you old fart!

We started our day in New Orleans, awoken by 3 different alarms at 4:45am. Maybe a little overboard, but we did not want to miss our flight.

During our long layover in Houston, I surprised Kerry with a new iPod nano as his was stolen. I had preloaded it with all his favorite songs and also made a playlist of all "our" songs. I had a Y connector with me, so we hooked 2 sets of headphones to it and bopped through the airport listening to our songs.

We arrived in San Diego and drove to our Laguna Beach destination. To our shock, it was in the 50's here while in the 70's back home. So much for our warm beach vacation. We were pretty zombiefied from the time change and long flights. We choose to just chill in our little Laguna Beach Inn and enjoy some down time. Sorry, no photos to share from day 1.

Day 2:
The majority of our plans involved the beach. Now that that was pretty much out of the question, we decided to chill and just play it by ear.

This is the lovely painting of Eve that we awoke to each morning! Kerry commented that Eve must not have been a natural brunette based on her blonde area below, LOL.
Our little Inn, right across the street from the ocean... but of course you can't see it because it's cold and foggy.
Our first stop was the mall to buy me a winter coat. Uh, the new swimwear we brought, staying in the suitcase.
This was one of our last minute excursions, a catamaran dolphin safari. It takes you dolphin and whale watching, which is one of my favorite things to do.
Hello cone head! Don't you love it when your dh lets you walk around looking like an idiot and never says a word?! We were freezing but so excited at the possibility of getting to see a whale that we weathered it for 3 hrs. Other than a few dolphin, we didn't get to see much. It was one of those rare trips where the sea creatures were just not interested in checking us out. While a disappointment, it was still fun getting out on the ocean.
Day 3:
We're headed to Hollywood! We really had no clue what all to do, so we just bought a city pass and did the tourist thing. We did the Hollywood walking tour, celebrity home tour, wax museum and Kodak Theater tour. We visited the Hollywood sign on the hill, Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, Bel Air and the Hollywood stars on the sidewalks.

The day started out rainy and chilly, you can start to see the ocean.
A view of Los Angeles... I had no idea this place was THAT big. You can't really tell in this photo, but LA is huge and goes on forever.
Baby Jesus goes to LA... will there be some fruitfulness in Cali??? (if you missed my last post, this won't make sense)
Our last stop was to see a movie at the El Capitan theater. This 1926 theater was restored to its original design by Disney.
30 mins before each movie, this guy plays this incredible organ like they did back in the day. He played all the Disney theme songs as Kerry and I sang along.Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-AyMy, oh my what a wonderful DayPlenty of sunshine heading my way (Where???)Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Ay
This one cracks me up!!! We attempted to get a photo of us with our 3D glasses. What's ironic is the movie was about aliens... I think we fit right in.
Day 4:
Our last full day here. The weather was finally warming up and it was time to hit the beach. While we finally got to put on the swimwear, we ended up buying a huge beach towel before we even finished our walk from the car to the beach as we were shivering. We walked barefoot along the beach wearing the towel as a blanket. We attempted to get our feet wet, one time was all we needed to decide that there would be no swimming this trip.

Heading out to lunch before hitting the beach.
We so enjoyed this path leading to the ocean from our hotel. It was really neat to see all the painters out painting the ocean landscape.
Some fun in the sand.
Our shoe prints.
We ended our evening with a really nice sunset dinner at The Beach House right on the ocean.
Finally, I thought it was time for Eve to put some clothes on.
Day 5:
Time to go home. =((((

Our last few moments before heading back to San Diego to catch our flight.
Our favorite scenic photo.
Despite the rare chilly weather, we had an awesome time and can't wait to go back. I could totally live there! Love was in the air and it was like a 2nd honeymoon.

Vacation: New Orleans

Hello all! We're back from vacation and what a fabulous time we had! For an entire week, I completely escaped the daily trials of work, college and infertility. Let me tell you, it was nice to fully live again.

Here's a photo blast of our family in New Orleans for my niece's wedding. (Dear family, if you want any of these photos, click on photo to enlarge and then right-click, save as)

Day 1:
We arrived in New Orleans on St. Patrick's day. It's celebrated similarly to Mardi Gras. Our family walked around Bourbon St., watched the parade and dodged beaded necklaces flinging through the streets.

Me and tall dude
My sister-in-law Sheree and niece Rachel (the bride)
My niece Lyndsay. We share the same birthday and are exactly 10 years apart. She's the older one! Just kidding, I'm older...
My mother-in-law (sweetest person alive)
Sporting our Paddy-Bling
Kerry and his pub
Day 2:
The day before Rachel's wedding.

Getting a pedicure with my 2 favorite nieces. This was wonderful!!! Well except for when they sanded the bottom of my feet, OMG, ticklish! I think the entire building could hear me laughing.
Heading to the rehearsal. This is a rare moment as I'm totally NOT a dress type of girl. Kerry had taken me shopping, played dress-up with me and I agreed on this one.
The wedding location. You may recognize this if you've seen the move "Ray" as many of the scenes were filmed here.
I'm going to be fruitful! New Orleans has a traditional cake called King cake. There's a plastic baby Jesus hidden in the cake and whoever gets the piece of cake with the baby in it, supposedly will have a fruitful year. My niece made sure I got that piece (thanks Lyndsay!). God knows I need a fruitful year before I go insane, and apparently from this photo, a new hair do, yikes!
Baby Jesus surfing
Day 3:
Rachel's wedding.

The bride
The matron of honor
Kerry and his 16 yr old son Austin (my stepson)
My very funny dh
He managed to get me in another dress, but I snuck some pants on underneath. Hey, maybe he won't notice.
Kerry and Austin
Me and the boys. Yes, I'm really that butt white, I glow in the dark.
My sweet grandmother (well she's really Kerry's grandmother, but I claim her as my own, love her to pieces!)
The newlyweds... Congratulations Rachel and Joe Cool
The rest of the evening was spent dancing the night away. A good time indeed.

The vacation doesn't end here as we spent the next 4 nights in California, but I will save that for the next post.

7th Wedding Anniversary

Today is our 7th Wedding Anniversary. I giggle when I see this photo. The photographer was trying to get a romantic photo of us kissing but everytime Kerry leaned in, I bust out laughing.


Real romantic kiss, huh! I think I was laughing so hard I was about to wet myself.


We leave for New Orleans tomorrow for our niece's wedding. Then Friday we're heading for Laguna Beach, CA to celebrate our anniversary and Kerry's birthday. I'll post an update and photos of our trip soon. Wahooo, I'm going on vacation!!!!!!

E-tegrity Results

I called the lab in CA late Fri afternoon to get a status on my e-tegrity results. Turns out they were ready Thur but no one had faxed them out. They would not give me the results due to Hippa laws. That still urks me; I requested the test, I paid for it, I had half my uterus ripped out for it, and I can't even get my own results? While on the call, the lady told me she just faxed the results to CCRM and my ob/gyn. But what good would that do, both places were closed and I would have to wait till Monday, ugh. I emailed CCRM right away hoping that maybe someone would call me Sat, but no word. I find out today that neither CCRM nor my ob/gyn has rec'd the results, double ugh! So CCRM called and got the results for me.

Here are the result possibilities from e-tegrity's website:

There are three typical patterns:
1. Beta-3 integrin POSITIVE with an “in-phase” endometrium is a normal pattern of expression.

2. Beta-3 integrin NEGATIVE with an “out-of-phase” endometrium occurs in a patient with Luteal Phase Defect; following treatment the patient is advised to undergo a repeat biopsy to confirm diagnosis.

3. Beta-3 integrin NEGATIVE in a patient with a normal “in phase” endometrium is associated with unexplained infertility, minimal or mild endometriosis, or hydrosalpinx.

The E-tegrity test:
Identifies endometrial quality
Determines Beta-3 integrin presence
Provides a histologic evaluation of the endometrium

My results came back positive and in-phase!!!! Wahooo!!! I am so so so so happy!

[Click photo for larger view]


So what I conclude from this is that my implantation failure was due to either abnormal embryos (all 8 of them) or more probable my crazy e2 levels during stims, which btw were IVF#1: 6867 IVF#2: 9029 IVF#3: 6045. During a natural cycle, e2 peaks at 200-600, so it would totally make sense that that high of an e2 level could definitely disrupt the uterine environment. So no more fresh transfers for me again, ever!

I also conclude that my inability to conceive naturally is most likely due to very weak sperm that are attacked by antisperm antibodies. Kerry developed ASAs from having a vasectomy.

Now I feel free to finally make a plan... though at this time, I have no clue what that is.

On a completely different note, I'm miserable. I got food poisoning last night. I had sour stomach all day Sun and by bed time, as I went to brush my teeth, I become violently ill. I dropped to the ground, was instantly drenched in sweat and was shaking uncontrollably. I drug myself to the toilet just in time as I knew something was going to explode, I just didn't know which end. I had bad diarrhea, sorry if that was TMI. When I leaned forward, I was about to throw up, so I had to lean back, but then I was slipping off the toilet because my legs were so sweaty. Kerry came in, held me up and put towels under my legs so I would stop sliding. My body was spasming really bad so I had no control over myself. My entire body tingled like it had fallen asleep, my wrists and hands painfully locked up. Kerry tried to straighten out my wrists and separate my fingers, but they wouldn't release, it was like a massive charlie horse from hell. Then my feet and face went numb and caused my speech to slur. I had to get to the ground, fast. Kerry insisted on wiping my butt as my hands were useless. He said, "now it's front to back right?", gotta love him! He helped me to the ground, covered me in towels and put a heater on me. He layed there on the bathroom floor with me for a half an hour massaging my hands trying to get them to release.

Anyone ever experience their wrists/hands locking up? It was so strange! Kerry thinks it was from the chemical that causes your stomach/intestines to convulse to get rid of the bad stuff.

I'm doing much better today, but feeling really weak, exhausted from no sleep and running a fever. I just have to say, do I not have an amazing husband or what! I teared up knowing that he will always take care of me and I know I can always count on him. I can't wait for him to help me through labor and delivery... someday... someday...

PS... thank you MLG for the sisterhood award, that was very sweet of you!