Life's Unfair

My last post really got me thinking about how unfair life really is. Many life events leave us with those dreaded questions that have no answers. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Will I ever overcome this?

For me, and many of you, this is infertility. I really don’t like saying “why me?” as I don’t want to come off like I’d prefer it to be someone else. I don’t wish infertility on anyone, so let me change it to “why us?”.

I’ve found it helps when I take the focus of off me and look around. You don’t have to look far to see the hurt and broken. Within several miles I can find more hurt than I can comprehend.

Terminally ill, cancer, disease
Divorced, widowed
Poverty stricken, devastated by natural disasters, homeless
Abused, raped, abandoned
Loss of a loved one, kidnapped, murdered, killed by a drunk driver, suicide
Deaf, blind, handicapped, permanently disabled, missing limbs, disfigured

As I was writing this post, I asked Kerry to name off some unfortunate life events and he said “for you, the internet going down”. LOL!!! I’m quite the internet junkie.

Life definitely is not fair, but I think we all have more in common than we realize. We are all inflicted with something that causes pain, just in different forms. I think if we looked deep into every person, we would find areas of both blessings and brokenness. We’re really not alone, we just hurt in different ways.

Yes, I’m inflicted with infertility and it hurts deeply, but when put into perspective, I have a good life. I will take infertility over so many of those above any day. While I’m envious of those with children, I need to keep my focus on what I do have. I need to reach out more and help those broken in their own way. Sometimes our own healing is found in helping others.

To all those that are broken, I pray that your heart is mended and the desires of your heart are granted. Hugs!

A New Year

As the new year arrived, I found myself reflecting over the last year, the good, the bad and the in between. I made a few new year resolutions, some the same I made last year and the year before, you know the ones you never manage to follow through with. This will be our 4th January we’ve said “this will be the year of our miracle baby”. I’ve tried so hard to follow through with this one, but once again, I failed.

Honestly, 2008 was a rough year for us. It was a wild ride of hope and excitement followed by devastation, a ride that we rode 3 times, a ride that we spent our entire annual income on. While I hate to label 2008 as a bad year when I am blessed in so many other areas, this year has left a hole in my heart.

While a baby would fill the void, I’ve learned that I have no control over this. I cannot obtain it in my own strength, nor in the doctor’s strength as 2008 proved. My body has failed me, science has failed me and God has failed me, or has He??? Could it be the other way around, have I failed Him? Have I sought His hand and not His face? Hmmm….

I’ve found that infertility can really wreak havoc on your relationship with God and your faith. We pray our hearts out for our miracle and here we sit year after year, still barren. We sit back and watch everyone around us conceive so effortlessly. We watch crack whores throw their babies away in dumpsters. We watch mothers murder their children because their boyfriend doesn’t want kids. We wonder if God is even listening, if He even cares. God said be fruitful and multiply. I’m trying God, I really am. It is His will for us to reproduce, I just wish I could understand what’s in the way. Proverbs 30:15-16 says there are four things that are never satisfied; hell, a barren womb, parched land and fire. So there we go, even God acknowledges the undying all-consuming desire that is in us to bare children. Geez, we infertiles rank right up there with fire and hell.

The thing is, God gave us a free will, we’re not robots, we choose to do good or bad. People can choose to throw away their children. Food manufacturers can choose to put chemicals in our food that inflict cancer or disrupt hormones. Unfortunately one's bad decision usually affects many. Life is unfair, it’s just a fact we have to face.

My pastor tells us a story of when he was sitting at his piano and his 3 yr old daughter came up to him and said “daddy, daddy” while reaching for him and how it melted his heart. But when he picked her up, she reached for the piano, she didn’t want her dad, she wanted something he had.

Maybe this is what we do to God. We reach for Him when we want something He has, but when everything is going well, we stop reaching. Is our love for God conditional?

One thing is for sure, I do not want a repeat of 2008. That means I’m going to have to make some foundational changes. I love this quote by Albert Einstein; “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Insanity describes this journey well. A couple of my resolutions this year are to reclaim my life and have some fun. To get back on track with God, to reach for Him just because I love Him and not because I want my miracle. By no means am I giving up, my unsatisfied womb would not allow that =), I’m just trying to get my priorities straight and not let infertility define who I am.

What's Next - Part 1

What's next? A 3 month break to heal physically/emotionally and counseling with someone who specializes in infertility.

Over the last 3 years, my husband has always commented on how strong I am and how easily I bounce back from incredibly disappointing circumstances, but this last failure has taken a toll on me. I'm struggling with anger and frustration. I have so many questions that have no answers.

Despite my circumstances, I have been very blessed in the area of infertility over the last 3 years. How? Blessed that I am genuinely happy for those who conceived effortlessly and free, thank God they didn't have to endure the trials of infertility. Blessed that I have overwhelming joy when someone announces their pregnancy miracle. Blessed that I love to hear a friend's birth story. Blessed that I am able to serve in the nursery at church. Blessed that I can attend baby showers and children's birthday parties. Blessed that I can stroll through the baby department full of hope and expectation. Blessed at how much I enjoy receiving photos of babies and belly shots. Blessed that I can so easily ignore ignorant comments/advice.

I feel I'm losing a grip in a few of these areas as my fight with infertility continues. It's relentless and I know how fast it can take you down if you let it. I peed on one little evil stick and now all this...

I'm currently unable to attend baby centered gatherings. I don't hold any ill feelings towards the people living my dream, but being in this environment surrounded by the very thing that I can't seem to reach for the life of me hurts too much right now.

I had to temporarily step down from serving in the nursery. I felt it would be best for the parent to not witness my tears while holding their adorable baby.

I can no longer walk through the baby section without tearing up. Will I ever be able to walk through there and actually buy something besides a baby shower gift?

I suddenly struggle with unsolicited comments/advice. My husband keeps telling me to take the good, the encouraging and ignore the rest. I realize that those that have never dealt with infertility truly cannot comprehend but some people say the most hurtful stuff.

Speaking of unsolicited advice, just the other day a lady approached me and said she wanted to talk to me. She went on and on about what an amazing person I am and what an amazing loving person my husband is and how incredibly blessed our marriage is... I was wondering if she was confusing me with someone else, I'm just your average gal. I was just standing there smiling at her, having no clue what she was getting at... Then one sentenance later, the smile had faded. She told me that I should give up on having children because I'm blessed with a great marriage and how she has a really bad marriage and how I should just be thankful for my marriage. She then hugged me and said she just wanted to encourage me. I stood there dumbfounded. Maybe I should have told her that she should give up on her marriage because she's blessed with 2 handsome sons and 5 beautiful grandchildren. I don't know why I let it get to me, I guess because when you're already down, things affect you on a deeper level. She left me questioning myself, am I ungrateful because I want more than a great marriage, that I want a child with this person that I love? Sorry, rabbit trail, moving on...

It truly is a gift to be able to be genuinely happy for those who so easily obtain the very thing that you have been denied, your heart's desire, the thing that consumes your every thought, the thing you would give anything for. I don't want to lose this gift. Without this gift, there's jealousy, hurt, bitterness, anger, loneliness, depression, self destruction and separation. I can't go there, I will not go there, I cannot give this seed a chance to grow. So yes, I'm seeking help. Hi, my name is Jill and I'm a messed up mama-wannabe-aholic.

IVF#3 - Post IVF Consult

What happened and what's next? These are the 2 most frequent questions I've received and I'll address the what happened.

My beta was due on a Sun when the labs are closed, so I scheduled it for a Mon. The plan was to not test before the beta. Due to the torture of not knowing and some timing issues, we decided to do a home test after church on Sun. We thought for sure I was pg. We even went to Walmart and bought the digital test.

We each had our own cup of pee (both were my pee) and we each had our own pg test. I had the one with 2 lines and Kerry had the digital. We had the camcorder rolling. We dipped at the same time and just waited for what seemed like an eternity. I knew I would know before Kerry because his had a 3 min hourglass before showing the results. I was watching mine intently, waiting for that elusive 2nd line to appear... waiting... waiting... waiting... sweating... heart racing... you've got to be kidding me, where's the 2nd line???? Kerry's still oblivious watching his hourglass. I dropped mine and leaned over to watch his... tick tock tick tock... "Not Pregnant". Evil pee stick! I think I even heard it laugh at me. We sat there stunned. For the first 10 mins I was really impressed with how well I was handling it. Then a few tears... Then complete hysteria. I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my entire life. I can't believe it, I failed at the #1 clinic, what a blow.

The next day I had to go do my beta. We all know how that turned out. I faxed the results to CCRM. My backup nurse called to give me the results and then asked if I had any questions. I said, is this it? Do I get to talk to the doctor? She said of course and she took my file over to Dr. Schoolcraft.

Schoolcraft called me back within 20 mins, I was very impressed. He said he was sure sorry and that he thought for sure that one of the 3 transferred would take as they were great quality. He said that although it was a funky cycle, he felt it went much better than my previous cycles. He thinks there's an egg/embryo quality issue. I asked him would he do anything differently looking back. He said he would want to do CGH genetic testing on the embryos. He said that when I first came to him he wasn't sure that I would make very many eggs and that's why he didn't recommend it at the time. He feels we need to get the final question answered, are any of the embryos genetically normal. If there are normals, then it's just a matter of getting the recipe right. If there aren't, then it's time for donor eggs/embryos. I asked him if he would lower my stims any to keep my e2 from going so high and he said not initially as I start out fine, but then towards the end it goes crazy, so he would cut the dose down earlier after 4 or 5 days. I asked him if he would keep me on long lupron and he said yes, the only reason to not use it is if you can't get any eggs on it. I addressed my concern of an implantation issue, is it that my uterine environment is unhappy when jacked up on stims, or do I have an implantation issue? He said we would get to test the theory as my snowbaby or a CGH cycle would both be a FET cycle. He said all the standard tests don't point to an implantation issue as my tubes aren't blocked, the hysteroscopy and uterine bloodflow were fine and then all the ultrasounds showed my lining get to the right thickness with a triple pattern. He said the bigger arrow is pointing at egg quality issues as the embyos have struggled on all 3 cycles. He said if I wanted to unturn all stones, I could do the endometrial biopsy checking for the beta 3 integrin protein that assists implantation. The majority of patients missing this protein have blocked tubes or endometriosis. I've never been tested for endo, but I don't think I have it. We discussed natural vs medicated FET cycles and he said with me being in TN, it would be much better to do medicated as we would know the transfer date a month in advance vs 4 days. I asked if you take the planning aspect out of it, is one better than the other? He said they are about the same, but still recommended medicated and said it would be better to not chance that the cycle you go to do the FET your cycle hiccups and your hormones are out of pattern. He then said the other thing I could consider would be to do the CGH cycle first and then combine the embryos and have a better chance as we would have more to transfer. I asked if he felt confident that I would be able to get some blasts for genetic testing and he said yes, that if they would have cultured my 4 best embyros instead of just 1 (we transferred 3), he feels we would have had 2 or 3 blasts. I asked if he would test the embryo I already have frozen and he said no because he wouldn't want to put it through another thaw and refreeze.

For you CGH gals that are getting no results back, I did ask him what's that all about and he said they only remove 1 or 2 cells from the embryo and they have to amplify/copy the DNA about a million times to have enough DNA to analyze and if the reaction doesn't produce enough, the signal isn't clear. So the lab states that the signal wasn't clear and there just wasn't enough DNA and they don't feel comfortable saying if the embryo is normal/abnormal. He said he gives the patient the option if they want to transfer the no-result embryo.

I'll address what's next in my next post.

I Want To See Miracles

Today was a challenge at church. It was the last week of the series on miracles. I followed the series intently as that's what it's going to take for me to become a mom, a miracle. During worship, we sang a powerful song that goes "I want to see miracles, I want to see the hand of God...". I stood there chanting to myself "don't cry, don't cry, keep it together". Well you know how that goes, the harder you try not to, the worse it gets. Eventally I lost and the floodgates burst. We were in the 2nd row, so there was no hiding. The tears rolled practically the entire service. The ending message was about not giving up and not being denied your miracle. So I left with 2 choices, defeat or to not be denied. I won't be denied!