Thursday, November 6, 2008

IVF#3 - Addressing Some Opinions

There is something I need to address so that I can hopefully find some peace. As many of you know, I’m an open book, I will share anything and everything with you. I have shared the most intimate details of my journey and pray that I can continue to do so. The risk with this is that it opens the door to questioning/ridicule of my personal thoughts/decisions. This doesn’t apply to everyone nor one particular person, it applies to a combination of emails/posts received and to those that maybe have certain thoughts but refrained from vocalizing them. Please do not ask me to share what was said or who said what, my intention is only to let you see a little more reality into my world as opinions are being expressed without all the facts.

I have been left feeling condemned, I have had no sleep, this has caused me a painful amount of stress and I’ve been crying my heart out. Starting lupron was not something I took lightly. I spent hours researching every aspect of this situation, I consulted my ob/gyn, my IVF nurse and other IVF patients. My ob/gyn said my progesterone (aka p4) levels were on the high end of completely normal as did many lab references online. I found countless women that had elevated p4 that were not pregnant. P4 levels do not predict pregnancy especially before implantation. A hike in p4 induced by pregnancy can only happen after implantation has occurred and after it has secreted hcg to tell the corpus luteum to pickup its p4 production. My p4 was elevated before implantation was possible. If my p4 was elevated because of pregnancy, that would have meant an extremely early implantation that would have had time to spit out hcg to call for more p4 resulting in something showing up on the beta (btw was < 0.5). Some of the more likely causes, acupuncture/chiro that has increased blood flow to my reproductive system or possibility of ovulating more one than one egg. Also, since I’ve never had a baseline p4 done before, how do I know that this isn’t normal for me?

Now is it absolutely impossible that I could be pregnant? No, but highly unlikely. The only sign that pointed to a possibility of pregnancy was the elevated p4, one that has now been found as not an indication of pregnancy. I have never in my life been pregnant, we’ve tried for 3 years, we’ve failed 2 IVFs, Kerry has extremely weak sperm that are rated as twitchers and are covered in antisperm antibodies preventing their ability to swim or penetrate an egg. We were only together once this cycle and I immediately went to the bathroom if you know what I mean, it was also 4 days before ovulation which would make it even more difficult for Kerry’s weak sperm to survive that long. I could go on and on with all the obstacles against us but the point is, it would take a miracle for us to conceive naturally, a miracle that I would die for. So if this was God’s timing to give me that miracle, I don’t think he would have allowed the beta to be negative. I prayed all the way from the phone call to the beta that if I was pregnant, please reveal it to me through this beta before I start Lupron or guide CCRM to cancel me. I don’t think it’s his nature to perform a miracle and then allow everything to fall in place to blow right through it.

My previous email/post may have contained humor as I always try to make the best of the situation handed to me, please keep in mind that you did not experience the behind the scenes, the emotional roller coaster, the extreme stress, the research, the decision making. This was not a simple solution of just waiting a few days to make sure I’m not pregnant and then just continue on. If I wait, that means it will be Jan/Feb before I could cycle again. I have invested an incredible amount of time, energy and money into this situation. To someone who wanted to be pregnant 4 years ago, delaying is painful especially when my issue is age related. At the same time, the last thing I want is to Have to do IVF, pay all this money and go through all these injections and surgery, so I took this very seriously. The other issue is that no matter which month I do IVF, it will be the same protocol where I’m faced with starting lupron after ovulation.

This whole situation occurred because my IVF nurse had the responsibility to be overly cautious and she’s the same person that told me to go forward with the lupron, they would not have told me to continue if they felt that I was pregnant. After all that I’ve been through, who do you think would be the first person to be the most cautious/concerned about this situation, that would be me. I am so sad right now. I have this sick feeling like people think I’m out to abort my baby. I cannot bare having to deal with these thoughts in my head each and every night I have to inject. These are hard times for me, a time when I need your full support and comfort. My husband has assured me over and over that we made the right decision. Please let me know you are on board with me, I need to hear it. I want to be excited about this journey. Love, Jill

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Thank you for your comment! Hugs, Kerry and Jill